


The Fates Are Kind

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BAMFSPOCK, Bonding, BottomJim, Christoper Pike Is a Bad Guy, DomSpock, Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, Loss of Parent(s), Love, M/M, Mind Control, Mind Intrusion, Mind Manipulation, Mind Meld, Mind Reading, Mirror Universe, Murder, Only the First Nine Chapters is Underage, Pining, Prostitution, Rape, Revenge, Separation, Star-crossed, T'hy'la, Telepathy, TopSpock, Violence, Vulcan child, subJim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-18 02:53:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 35,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4689707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk and Spock meet as teenagers one summer and it sets in motion the events for their future together, when they meet up again as adults.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keep the Streets Empty For Me

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a one-shot called "The Fates Are Kind". It can be viewed in My One-Shot Collection, Part 3. I had requests to expand it and create a fic around it. This is that fic. Several elements and plot points have changed from that one-shot and the fic is much more complex and involved. So if you read that and think it's the same, you might be surprised. 
> 
> While this is me, and I try not to be too violent and graphic, this fic is Mirror and isn't going to be the gentle stuff you might be used to from me, so be warned.

“Don’t wander off far, Spock,” Mother told him. “This is a dangerous place.”

“I am well aware of that, Mother. I am armed.”

She nodded, studying him carefully. “Don’t hesitate to defend yourself. Whatever is necessary.” She leaned over and straightened the collar of his sweater. “Your father and I will not be long. I expect you to be back here and waiting to return to the hotel in ninety minutes.”

“I will be.” He pulled away from her fussing.

He waited until she went back inside the conference room before turning away. The nearby Empire Guards barely glanced his way. Spock supposed they found little to be threatened by in a teenaged Vulcan. If only they knew some of the Vulcans Spock knew.

He went to the exit of the building and out into the night. Mother was not wrong. The area was dangerous. But there really wasn’t any part of Terra that was not. Not for him. Not really for anyone. But there were those who thought the thinner, elegant builds of Vulcans meant they were easy prey. Those assumptions generally proved incorrect.

Spock looked to the right and then the left. He decided a walk down by the pier would be better. Perhaps more dangerous still. He did not particularly care.   

He had gone a block when he noticed the blond boy following him. He was actually fairly good at evading detection, but Spock was better still at detecting. Even from this distance he could get the boy’s emotions. Fear, lust, fascination, intrigue, and sorrow. So much sorrow.

Spock turned a corner and the blond human followed. He was getting bolder now, creeping closer to Spock’s position. He felt pain from the boy, physical pain. From his lip. Spock touched his own lips and then turned abruptly to face his pursuer.

The boy stopped, frozen. His blue eyes were wide in surprise and undisguised fear. He looked ready to bolt. His lip was split and there was still dried blood caked in the corner of his mouth. 

“I will not harm you.” Spock paused. “James.”

His breath caught. “How do you know my name?”

“I got it from your mind.”

“It’s Jim. And, wow. Really? Vulcans are that good?”

“You should exercise caution around Vulcans, Jim. Not all of them are as kind as I am.”

“I-I was just curious is all. I wasn’t going to rob you or anything.”

“Indeed you were not.” Spock placed his hand on his scabbard. “The last who tried did not live long.”

Jim licked his lips, nodding nervously.

“What happened to your lip?”

Jim shrugged. “I got it for refusing.”

“Refusing?”

“To suck a guy’s cock. He busted my lip and I had to suck him anyway.” His gaze slid away from Spock’s, skittering around the area.

“You live on the streets?”

“No. I have an apartment with another. He’s currently off planet.”

“Your boyfriend?”

That earned him a shaky laugh. “No. My master.”

Spock blinked. “You are a slave?”

“Of sorts. He’s sort of a master and a pimp.” Jim shrugged. “Whatever. Who cares.”

Spock noticed that Jim’s clothes were torn too. When he spoke of the man who lived with him, Jim’s fear had increased. He tried to be nonchalant about it but without much success. Spock could read his terror well.

“Show me your apartment.”

Jim raised his eyebrows. “Yeah? You got money?”

“Yes.”

The blond human bit his lip. “I don’t do anything weird.”

“What do you consider weird?”

“I don’t know. Just, um, keep that in mind.”

“Very well.”

They began to walk in the direction Spock had been going anyway and as they reached a barely lit area, a man came out of the shadows and grabbed Jim by his middle.

“There you are, Jimmy boy.”

Spock could smell the alcohol pouring off the cretin. Sour and stale with sweat and sexual fluids. Not washed in a long time.

“Let go of me. I already told you no.” Jim squirmed in the man’s grasp as the drunk stuck his hand on Jim’s crotch and squeezed hard enough to make Jim whimper.

“You ain’t allowed to say no. You’re a whore. You know what Pike said. You gotta. So bend over, boy, and I’ll make it only a little painful this time.” He leered at Jim and started kissing the human. Jim tried to push him away.

Spock had seen enough. He reached over and squeezed the man’s neck. He fell to the ground.

Jim wiped his mouth and spit next to the man. “So, that’s real, huh?”

“What?”

“The Vulcan Neck Pinch.”

“Clearly,” Spock said coolly. He kicked the man on the ground in the stomach as they continued past him. He considered killing him, but for now, he let him live.

“Thanks for that. Not that I couldn’t handle it myself or anything.”

Spock ignored the bravado for what it was. “You are welcome. You deal with that a lot?”

Jim shrugged.

“Pike is the man you live with?”

“Yeah. A right, mean bastard.” Jim spit on the sidewalk. “Keeps me alive though, I guess.” They stopped in front of a very rundown building. “Home sweet home.”

“You are applying sarcasm.”

Jim smirked. “No shit. You never told me your name.”

“I am Spock.”

His blue eyes widened. “Shit, really? Ambassador Sarek’s son?”

“Yes. Then you have heard of us.”

“Duh. Everyone has heard of you. And him. He saved the Emperor’s life. He’s the Emperor’s most trusted advisor. You’re practically Vulcan royalty.”

“Indeed.”

“Are you sure you want to come into _my_ apartment?”

“Lead the way.”

Jim licked his lips and opened the door that was leaning on its hinges. He stepped around some debris and Spock followed suit. Jim stopped at a set of stairs that did not look stable to Spock. He headed up them and Spock went after him.

Jim picked the lock of the door and went inside. It was more of a room than an apartment. With a double bed in the middle of it with a soiled mattress. There was a bathroom to the side that had a cracked tub, a sink, and a toilet.

“Real glamorous,” Jim cracked. “What do you want to do?”

“First? Come here.” Spock grabbed Jim’s wrist, pulling him into the bathroom. He raised his shields at the constant barrage of the blond’s thoughts and feelings. Spock would not be distracted. He wet a cloth and wiped it across the blood on Jim’s mouth. Then he washed Jim’s face. He shook his head. It was too much. “Remove those clothes and get in the shower.”

“You want shower sex?”

“What I want is for you to get in the shower. If we are going to copulate, I prefer clean.”

Jim stared at him. “Vulcans are as odd as they say.”

“Perhaps.” Spock removed Jim’s shirt for him and then went to do the same with his pants, but Jim batted Spock’s hands away. He stepped around the blond. And turned on the shower spray. Brown water came shooting out at first, then it turned clear.

“Nothing but the best,” Jim said with a grimace. He got in the shower and Spock stepped out of the bathroom. He only had an hour left before he was to return to the embassy.


	2. There's No Room for Innocence

Jim came out of the bathroom clutching the too small towel around his waist. The Vulcan had taken his clothes. Normally he didn’t care if he was naked. What was the point in worrying about it when Pike usually tore his clothes from him anyway? But he was feeling a little uncertain in front of Spock.

“You have no need to fear me,” Spock said. He was leaning against the wall by the bed, his arms crossed in front of him.

Jim frowned. “That telepathy is kind of weird. You can get my thoughts and emotions, like they say?”

“Indeed.”

“No wonder humans don’t like to be with Vulcans.”

“My mother is human.”

“Yeah. I’ve heard. But she’s the only one, right? To ever mate or bond with a human.”

“To bond with, yes. As far as I am aware. I am certain Vulcans have copulated with humans before.”

Jim hadn’t moved forward from his stance by the bathroom. “Is it true Vulcans once kept human slaves?”

Spock crooked a finger at him. “Come here.”

Biting his lip, Jim walked the few steps over to Spock. He noticed that the Vulcan had a day or two’s growth of dark hair on his jaw. He found it sexy. He found the Vulcan sexy, actually. Not that Jim really wanted to have sex with him. Or anyone. But money was money.

Spock’s hand cradled Jim’s jaw. “You are a beautiful specimen of humankind.”

“I hear that a lot.”

Spock tilted his head. “I imagine you do. The answer to your query is yes. Vulcans once kept your kind as slaves. That was a long time ago.”

“Good to know.” He licked his lips.

Spock stuck his thumb in Jim’s mouth. “Your tongue is pleasing. It is pierced?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. I don’t really like it. Pike made me get it.”

“Take it out then.”

“He won’t like that.”

Spock arched a brow. “He is not here. Take the piercing out.”

Jim blinked. “You’re going to have to let go of my jaw then.”

Spock’s fingers slipped away from Jim’s jaw but he didn’t move away. He stood flush against Jim so that Jim could feel his erection. Jim reached his fingers into his mouth and pulled out the piercing. It kind of hurt to remove it, but he also felt some relief. The Vulcan took it from him and slipped it in the pocket of his trousers.

“How much?” Spock asked quietly.

“It costs more to fuck me. A little less for me to fuck you. Cheapest is a blowjob.”

“How many credits to have intercourse with you?”

“Fifty. In advance.”

The Vulcan nodded. “Very well.” He reached into his trousers again and pulled out the credits. Jim took them.

“There’s lubricant there next to the bed.”

“I do not need lubricant.”

“Look, I---”

“My cock provides it. You will feel no pain. Have you not heard that aspect of a Vulcan?”

“No. No. I hadn’t.” He felt fluttering in the pit of his stomach. He was flaccid himself. It took a lot for him to be aroused. That response had been killed. Or perhaps wounded by Pike and the others. He dropped the towel and made to move toward the bed after placing the credits on the little table next to the bed. It had only three legs, but Jim had found it in the trash. It held all his possessions.

Spock grabbed Jim’s wrist and stopped him. “I want a willing sexual partner.”

“I-I will be,” Jim assured him. Most of them he was able to pretend and anyway they didn’t care if he got off, only themselves.

Spock pulled his sweater off and then rid himself of the boots he wore as well as his trousers. His penis was large and double ridged. It glistened with a liquid it was secreting. Jim had never seen anything like it.

“I want no games from you, James.” Spock’s hand came to rest on Jim’s face. His fingers spread over Jim’s cheek.

“What-what are you doing?”

“Shh.” Spock pushed him onto the bed but he didn’t remove his hand.

“Wait, I—” Spock’s lips on his stopped the protest forming on Jim’s tongue. The Vulcan’s lips were soft, yet warm and demanding. Jim felt his eyelids droop closed as he gave into the intoxicating kiss. Spock’s free hand slipped down between their bodies to wrap around Jim’s cock. Jim jumped at the contact as the long elegant fingers began to stroke him to hardness. He gasped as Spock’s tongue invaded his mouth.

_All will be well, James._

_Fuck. Are you in my head?_

_Yes. Do not fear._

Jim was fully erect now and squirming against the assault of Spock’s hands and mind.  Spock rose above him, lifting Jim's legs to wrap around the Vulcan’s waist. As Spock entered him, Jim braced himself for the pain, the burn, the invasion. But it did not come. Spock was in him easily, double ridges and all, past Jim’s ring of muscle, pushing deep.

Jim realized he was clinging to Spock, moaning into the Vulcan’s mouth as tongue, penis and hand worked on Jim. His mind was at peace, like he was floating in clouds.

He shook in surprise as he felt his release upon him—Jim didn’t recall when the last time he actually came was—it tightened his balls, made his ass clench, which pulled a grunt from Spock, who swooshed air into Jim’s mouth. Spock’s fingers trembled on Jim’s face.

“Sp-Spock,” Jim gasped as he splattered cum all over those Vulcan’s fingers. He felt Spock coming inside him. He felt his own orgasm as well as the Vulcan’s and he felt wave after wave of a shattering release. In his head he saw threads blue and brown—like his eyes, like Spock’s—they touched, whirled around each other and then flew toward a double-doored gate which swung open at their approach. The joined threads went through.

Spock’s fingers slipped from Jim’s face and abruptly the gate, the threads were gone, and Jim was alone, in darkness.

Jim pulled away from Spock on the bed, trying to gulp lungfuls of air.

“You are all right,” Spock said, his voice a low, soothing rumble.

Jim blinked rapidly as he realized he could breathe fine. He felt fine. Calm even. He sat up, looked at Spock. “You did that.”

“Did what?”

“Made me calm. Didn’t you?”

“Vulcans are capable of much concerning the minds of humans,” Spock said mysteriously. “I must go.” He had risen and was dressing.

“Do all Vulcans do the mind sex thing?” Jim asked.

Spock gave him a slight shrug. “I do not know what other Vulcans do with their partners.”

“But you did it with me.”

“Yes.” Spock was dressed now. He sat on the edge of the bed next to Jim. “How old are you?”

“Can’t you figure it out with your mind games?”

“They are not mind games, Jim. Sixteen?”

Jim lowered his gaze. Spock hooked a finger under his chin to lift it.

“You have been through too much already, my beautiful one.” Spock stood. “I will be back.”

“Back?” Jim shook his head. “I don’t really do repeat customers.”

“I am not a customer.”

Jim grimaced and reached for the credits. “Then you’d better take this with you.”

“You will keep it,” Spock said firmly.

“Then you’re paying me like a customer.”

Spock looked a little frustrated. Not surprising. Jim had that effect on people.

“I will not argue. Keep the credits. I will see you soon.”

Spock opened the apartment door and disappeared through it.  


	3. So Take Me Home Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: rape

“Are you going out again tonight, Spock?”

Spock, who had already reached the door of their hotel suite, stopped and turned to his older half-brother, Sybok. “Yes. For a couple of hours.”

Sybok fingered his beard thoughtfully. “Do you think it is wise?”

“It is not unwise. And it is safe.”

“That is undetermined. Go if you must but make certain that we can monitor your frequencies.”

Spock nodded his acknowledgement of Sybok’s request, picked up the bag of items he had purchased earlier, and left their hotel a few minutes later to go back down to where Jim lived. He had been thinking of Jim ever since he’d met him two nights ago. He hadn’t been able to make it last night but he would not miss another night and another chance to see the young blond human.

When Spock got to Jim’s apartment though, there was no sign of him. He had picked the lock like he had seen Jim, but the room was quiet, dark and empty. It held the vague scent of semen and Spock tried not to let that bother him. He didn’t think he succeeded. He slipped his hand into the pocket of his trousers and felt the tongue piercing he had taken from Jim.

He could wait for Jim’s return here, when he was done doing whatever it was Jim did, or he could go look for him. Spock opted to go in search of him. He didn’t think it would be that difficult. He had melded once with Jim, their minds already touched in ways that Spock had never allowed with others.  He left he the bag he’d brought with him on the bed.

Spock made his way down the questionable stairs and back the way he had walked with Jim before. He tried to find Jim through their tentative link but he got nothing but silence. It was unsettling. When he reached the end of the street he had the choice of going right and back up toward the Embassy Spock had left two nights before or to the left toward the docks. Instinct told him to go left.

He had walked a couple of blocks before he was hit with anguish, terror and pain. Spock could hear just the faintest crying. The pain was enormous. Physical torment. He clutched his fists and quickened his pace.

Spock was led by Jim’s torment—for he knew that was what it was—to an alley. Spock’s stomach turned queasy. He very much feared he was going to throw up. The stench was unbearable. Feces and death. Rotting.

At the end of the alley Spock could see Jim being held down. His torn pants from the other day were in tatters now. A man had his big, dirty hand on the back of Jim’s neck, smashing his face into the wall he held Jim against. Tears streamed down Jim’s face, which was twisted in agony. The man had one of Jim’s arms twisted unnaturally behind his back. The man was penetrating Jim’s anus with rough, hard thrusts that made Jim cry out in pain. The burning pain made Jim’s mouth slacken in anguish.

Spock felt rage fill him and explode like a bomb going off. All controls slid away like doors being flung wide and he descended on Jim’s rapist with lightning speed. He yanked the man from Jim, unable to avoid the horrible sound of his penis withdrawing from Jim’s tight hole. Spock ignored the man’s grunts of surprise that quickly turned to indignant yells.

Jim scrambled away, straightening from the painful way the man had held him. His face was battered and scratched. Bruises covered his neck, his mouth, everywhere.

Spock slammed the man against the alley wall, his fingers clutching the man’s neck, squeezing his breath out from his lungs. The man tried to fight—his feet trying to scrabble for purchase as Spock held him aloft from the ground—but he was no match for Spock. His breath gurgled in his throat and Spock’s fingers tightened. He heard a soft sob from Jim, who was pushed up against the opposite wall, and Spock lost whatever control he had left. He narrowed his eyes and with other his hand on the man’s jaw, Spock twisted his neck until the sickening sound of it breaking told Spock all he needed to know. He dropped the body to the ground.

Spock forced the demons out of his eyes—he had no doubt they were there—and turned to Jim. “I will not hurt you,” he said softly. “Ever.”

Jim slowly nodded but he did not respond. He just stared at Spock, his blue eyes wide and glassy with unshed tears. His face was streaked with tracks of tears he’d already cried.

Spock took a step forward and he was gratified when Jim did not shrink from him. “Will you come with me?” He held his hand toward Jim, palm out.

Jim’s gaze went to Spock’s palm. For a moment he did not move but then very slowly he placed his hand on top of Spock’s palm. He closed his fingers around Jim’s hand and pulled his as gently as he could from the alley. He blocked Jim from looking back at the dead man.

When they emerged from the alleyway, Spock removed his coat and handed it to Jim. “Put this on.”

“I’m—”

“Please.”

Jim took the coat from Spock’s fingers and pulled it on. It didn’t cover all of Jim’s torn pants but it helped. He got them back to Jim’s apartment as quickly as he could.

He got the door open, thinking to say, “Why do you not have a key?”

“Only Pike has one.”

Spock took Jim’s hand in his and brought him to the bathroom. He stripped Jim without word. He was severely beaten and Spock wished he had brought a dermal regenerator. Next time. Spock turned Jim to inspect all of the injuries and he stopped when he saw the blood coming from Jim’s anus. Spock’s breaths would not come normally.

“Spock?” Jim whispered.

Spock curled his fingers into fists, stabbing his fingernails into his flesh. He would not cry. He would not. He turned on the shower and gently urged Jim into it. He removed his own clothes then and got in the shower with him. Jim jumped just a little, but soon he relaxed when all Spock did was wash him.

When he was done, he brought Jim back out to the main room and opened the bag he brought with him.

“New clothes.”

Jim looked distrustful. “Why?”

“I saw that yours were ruined when I was here. Now even more so.”

“Why are you so nice to me?”

“Because you deserve it.” He handed the clothes to Jim. “Put them on.”

Jim licked his lips. “You-you want something in return?”

Spock swallowed. “No.”

Jim went back into the bathroom to dress and he came out a couple of minutes later wearing the jeans and T-shirt. His arms were crossed in front of his chest. “What now?”

“I am leaving.” Spock stepped close to him. “Do not go out again until I return tomorrow.”

“I need food.”

“I will come with food and things for your injuries.” Spock searched his gaze. “Will you do that for me? Will you stay inside?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Spock nodded. He wanted to kiss Jim but decided now was not the time. He went to the door. “Lock it when I leave. With the bolt.”

Spock waited until he heard the bolt sling across the door before he went down the stairs.


	4. Bury Their Paws in the Stone, Make for My Heart as Their Home

Jim woke sore and ashamed. Just when he thought he couldn’t think less of himself, he’d been jumped down by the water. He’d seen that scumbag around before, but even Pike had refused his business. At least the scumbag was gone now. Spock had seen to that.

He took another shower, waiting for the brown water to turn clear, and then dressed in the new clothes Spock had brought him. Jim wasn’t really sure why the Vulcan was being so nice to him. He was practically a fucking prince and could have whoever he wanted. Why mess around with a loser like Jim?

He was surprised when shortly after he’d emerged from the shower there was a light knock on his door. Jim went to the door, listening.

“Who is it?”

“It is Spock.”

Jim blinked in surprise and slid the bolt aside, opening the door. “It’s still morning.”

“I am aware.” Spock stepped inside and Jim closed the door. The Vulcan was carrying several bags. Jim could smell bacon.

“Is that-is that bacon?”

“It is. Sit down and I will serve it.”

Jim licked his lips, nodded and went to sit on the edge of the bed next to the little table. It was the only hard surface in the room.

Spock brought over a container, which he placed in front of Jim. He opened it to reveal eggs, potatoes, and bacon, as well as a big fluffy biscuit.

Jim stared at the food, his stomach tightening in hunger. “This-this isn’t all for me?”

“Indeed it is. I have eaten. Here is a fork.”

“But.”

Spock arched his brow. “But?”

“This is real food. It’s not-it’s not…” Jim stopped, bit his tongue. He felt himself turning red.

“It is not?” Spock’s voice was gentle, coaxing.

“Scraps,” he whispered. His throat felt like it was clogged with a rock or something.

“No, it is not. Please eat.”

Jim took the fork and began to eat even as Spock turned back to the bags he had brought with him. “What else did you bring?”

“Food for you to eat later. I brought a cooler to keep some of it cold. I brought a coffee maker and coffee, if you have a preference. There is tea also. I brought a hot plate, too, so you can heat things. Small pans. More clothes. Soap and shampoo. And a dermal regenerator.”

“You brought all that for me?”

“Do you see anyone else here?”

Jim blew out a breath. “Not right now anyway.”

Spock pulled out a folding chair and set it up to sit near Jim.

“You carried that too?”

“I did, yes. Eat, Jim.”

Jim bit his lip. “This is too much.”

“I disagree. I do have some things to discuss with you, though.”

He ate a slice of the bacon. It tasted amazing. “Things?”

“Is it only you and Pike who stay here?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah.”

“And when will he be back?”

“End of the summer. He’s gone to see a friend of his on another planet.”

Spock was quiet for a moment. “And how did you meet Pike in the first place, James?”

Jim lowered his gaze and stared at the food. “He came to Riverside.”

“Riverside?”

“Yeah. Where I was from. He took me away from my family.” Jim pushed his food around with a fork. “I guess they owed him or something.”

Spock showed no reaction when Jim lifted his gaze to him but he said very quietly, “He obtained you to repay a debt?”

Jim swallowed. “It was a while ago. It wasn’t like they wanted me anyway.”

“My family will be returning to Vulcan at the end of summer and I will be required to go with them. Until that time, I would like to spend my time with you. And I would like for you to spend that time only with me.” Spock stared intently at Jim. “Will you do that?”

“Here?”

Spock nodded. “My father would not approve of what I am doing.”

“Yet your mother is human.”

“Yes. I have already been bonded to a Vulcan female.”

“Yeah?”

“That does not concern me for a number of years still, however, that bond is important to my father for the political connections it brings with it. He has no real objection to my having a lover, but it is certainly not to be made obvious by bringing you to our hotel during our stay on Terra.”

“Yeah, I can totally get that. I’ve heard Vulcans don’t much like humans anyway. Your father is a rarity.”

“Do you agree to my proposal for the summer? I would pay for your time.”

“I thought you said before you weren’t my customer.”

“And I am not. However, it is my desire to take care of you, and I presume Pike will be expecting that you have earned money.”

Jim hadn’t thought about that. Spock was right. “I don’t know. You don’t think all of this is weird?”

“Perhaps. But it is what I want. Do you?”

 Jim didn’t answer. Instead he said, “It was easy for you to kill that man last night.”

“I felt nothing for him, so yes.”

“No. I meant…physically. You’re really strong.”

“I have three times the strength of normal humans. Jim, I will not hurt you.”

“A lot of people say that.”

Spock got up from the chair and came to sit on the bed next to Jim. “I know you are used to lies. Vulcans do not lie. Hurting you would be impossible for me. I wish to protect and cherish you.”

“You just met me. You don’t even know me.”

Spock’s hand caressed Jim’s bruised cheek with unbelievable softness. “And yet it is true. I will get the dermal regenerator to heal your cuts. The bruises, they will stay.”

“Yeah,” Jim said. “I know.”

He sat still while Spock fixed his cuts and wounds. Spock paused after fixing Jim’s split lips. He ran his thumb over the bottom one.

“May I kiss you?”

“You don’t have to ask.”

Spock stared intently into Jim’s eyes. “I will always ask.”

Jim’s chest tightened and he nodded.

The kiss was gentle, just a little brush of lips, almost romantic, really. Then Spock reached for Jim’s hands and pressed their index and middle fingers together.  Jim looked at him quizzically.

“That is a Vulcan kiss,” Spock explained. “Reserved for those who are special to us.”

Jim huffed a laugh. “I’m not special.”

“I would disagree.”

“What do you want from me, Spock”

“I want your agreement that you will see only me.”

Jim closed his eyes, looking into Spock’s was too much, so much feeling. He felt Spock’s lips on his eyelids and he released a sigh.

 “Okay.”


	5. It's Not My Sense of Emptiness You Fill With Your Desire

Spock watched Jim sleep. The young teen lay on the bed on his side and Spock lay on the bed next to him, also on his side, facing him. Even asleep there was a pulse of energy coming off Jim that called to Spock like no one ever had or ever would. 

This young human belonged to him. His mate. His  _t’hy’la_. 

Meeting Jim on these mean streets had been fortuitous. Spock believed that. Though Jim might think their time together was temporary, while this Pike was absent from Terra, Spock intended differently. 

Spock touched his fingertips to Jim’s left cheek.  He had never anticipated his chosen one would be so beautiful and so vulnerable. He had expected—if he had found anyone other than the bonded one chosen by his parents—that it would be a warrior much like himself and Vulcan. But this boy…this human…made him want to protect, treasure and cherish him. Such a t’hy’la could possibly bring about Spock’s downfall and that was unsettling.

Jim’s eyes fluttered open, revealing Ceylon sapphire blue guarded by long, lashes. His lips parted slightly as he drew in a breath. 

“I fell asleep?” Jim asked, his whisper hoarse.

“Yes, ashayam.”

“Sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“You were disturbed? By dreams of your ordeal?’

“No. That’s not the first time something like that has happened, Spock.”

“Give me the names of all that have done so. If you know not their names, then their descriptions will do.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t expect you to vanquish all that have hurt me. I’m not a damsel.”

“If not the events of last night then what kept you from sleeping?”

“Just the noise of the area. I don’t like to sleep alone. Not in the dark.”

Spock wondered if he could spend all of his time with Jim.  Just before he’d left the hotel that morning Father had stopped him. 

_“Whatever it is you are doing, Spock, make sure it does not in any way tarnish our home or our name.”_

He had to tread carefully now that he was aware Jim was his t’hy’la. His father, Sarek, wanted the bond between Spock and T’Pring, his intended, so badly, Spock was well aware if he informed Sarek of Jim’s identity, he might very well disappear. Spock suspected the preliminary bond he had with T’Pring as children would not withstand the power of his t’hy’la bond. Perhaps it had already been severed. Spock needed to consult with an Elder, for Father would be no help. Spock would not risk Father deliberately having Jim harmed. His father was important to Spock but he knew his father’s faults and how ruthless he could be. There was a reason Sarek was so trusted by the emperor.  

“I will stay with you tonight,” Spock heard himself say. He would advise Sybok later, who could inform Mother and Father. 

“All night?” Jim couldn’t hide his surprise.

“Then you will sleep better, yes?”

“Is that what you want? For me to sleep?”

Spock nodded. “I have no ulterior motive.”

Jim stared at Spock for a long time. “You didn’t like sex with me?”

“I did. But I will not abuse you.”

“If I’m willing, it’s not abuse.” 

“James. You just had a traumatic experience.”

“I already told you, I’ve had them before.”

“It would pain me greatly to add to your trauma or pain,” Spock told him softly. “You do not believe me yet, but you will. I cherish thee.”

Jim frowned. “All that romantic shit is for suckers. It makes you weak to think about love and cherishing.”

Spock arched a brow. “So you believe me to be weak?”

“No.” He bit his lip. “But aren’t Vulcans supposed to be without emotions?”

“That is a fallacy, Jim. In many ways we feel deeper than humans.”

Jim looked doubtful. “Well, so what are we going to do if not sex? I could, you know.”

“I know what?”

“If you’re worried about me being sore or whatever from that guy, I could fuck you.” Jim studied Spock. “You know. If you want. I have the lube.”

Spock leaned over and kissed Jim softly on the lips. “You find it difficult to refrain from sexual activity because it is tied to your self-worth.”

“Don’t be analyzing me, Spock.”

“Am I incorrect?” Spock stroked his fingers across Jim’s forehead. “Do you even like sex?” 

Jim’s tongue darted out, licked his lips. Spock was reminded of his piercing which Spock still had. “With you.” He tilted his head. “Are you nervous?”

“Nervous?”

“You don’t allow others to have control over you, Spock, do you?”

Spock said nothing.

“What are you afraid of? You’ve never done it that way, have you?”

“I have not,” Spock admitted. 

“Do you have a sexual preference?”

“I have copulated with males and females if that is what you speak of.”

Jim shrugged. “So have I. But that’s not a  _preference_ , is it? Was there one you liked better than the other?”

“You.”

A genuine smile appeared on Jim’s face, transforming him into an almost angelic beauty. Spock found himself aroused by this, aroused by Jim. 

“Then why do you keep being so resistant?”

“I feel your turmoil,” Spock answered honestly.

“The telepathic thing.”

“Yes.”

Jim rested his hand over Spock’s hand on his face. “I’m not in turmoil over you.” He shook his head. “I feel your desire. You want me.”

“I do.” Spock could not deny it. He had never wanted anyone the way he wanted Jim. Sex was usually a means to accomplish something Spock wanted. But this…this intensity was so much more.

Jim scooted closer on the bed so that Spock could feel his body warmth, smell the scent of strawberry shampoo.  Jim’s tongue darted out to trace across Spock’s bottom lip. Spock shook.

“I wouldn’t hurt you, you know,” Jim’s voice was soft like a caress. 

“I do not believe you would.”

Spock leaned into Jim, gently pushing him down until he was under Spock as Spock’s lips found his. He cupped Jim’s face, holding it, as he learned every crevice of Jim’s mouth, every taste there was to it.

Spock’s breath stuttered just a little when Jim’s fingers found purchase in Spock’s hair, weaving in and gently massaging his head. It was such a gentle, welcome, sweet touch, it made Spock ache.

Jim’s mouth slipped from Spock’s, his lips swollen from Spock’s kisses. “What do you want, Spock?”

“To meld with you, to lie with you, to have everything. Every part there is to you I want.”

“Then take it. Do what you want, Spock. I’m ready.”

Jim’s eyes were such a saturated blue, so breathtaking, that Spock was lost as his hand spread across Jim’s psi-points to join their minds for the first time.  


	6. I Thought I Saw a Man Brought to Life

How it happened, Jim couldn’t say. He was floating on a cloud, naked, safe, warm and free. Around him was the soft sound of rain falling but it did not touch him. It was soothing, a comfort.

Spock lay with him, in him, moving deep and slow, giving Jim no pain, only exquisite pleasure. Spock’s hands were linked with his, but Jim didn’t mind being held down, not like this, not with Spock. It was not threatening, it was joining, linking, being together.

He was floating on water, at peace as butterflies flew softly over his head. Above him—above them—was a bright and beautiful rainbow. One of Spock’s hands slid up and down Jim’s cock, stroking, drawing out pants from Jim’s tight chest. Lips touched his, so warm, so welcome.

In a meadow of flowers and fresh grass, the scent of heather on the horizon, as he was on top, rising above Spock, pushing into him, gently, deeply, their lips as one, fused. Hands on his face, hands on his ass. Taking, giving.

Jim gasped in pleasure, as he pulsated, came, felt Spock come, came again with Spock, floating, floating, joining as one.

****

Jim woke to the smell of coffee brewing. He sat up straight, staring over at where Spock stood next to a coffeemaker that he had set up. Jim realized he was still naked and he pulled the sheet up to cover himself from the waist down. Stupid, really. But well…

“Hey,” Jim said, feeling awkward.

Spock, who had redressed, turned toward him, holding out a cup of God’s gift to mankind. Not that there was a God or anything. He took the cup, gratefully. It had cream and sugar in it, he realized as he took a sip, and it was delicious.

“It is to your liking, ashayam?”

“Yeah, it’s great. That a Vulcan word?”

“It is.”

Jim noticed he didn’t give an explanation for what it meant though. Spock sat in the chair he had brought with him earlier, holding what looked like a cup of tea.

He bit his lip. “Did we…ah.”

“Yes,” Spock replied, his dark eyes soft and warm.

“I thought so. It was sort of like a dream.”

“We were melded at the time,” Spock explained. “It makes the experience different, mentally. But physically we joined in the typical manner.”

Jim smiled at that. “Typical, huh?”

“The experience was not typical, the sexual act was conducted as is typical.”

“Vulcans are kind of odd, huh?” Jim shook his head and took another sip of coffee. “We, uh, did we do it both ways?” He felt himself blush and tried to hide it with another drink. “We did, right?”

“You do not recall?”

“Yeah.” Jim nodded. “I do. But we were in a meadow while I was…did I hurt you?”

“There was a burn at first. It was manageable.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe you shouldn’t have melded us during it. I could have made it better.”

Spock shook his head. “There was nothing wrong with our coupling, Jim. I found the--”

“Please don’t call it _the experience_ again.”

“That is the wrong term?”

“Very much so.” Jim smiled.

“Whatever the appropriate term, I found it acceptable.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “You like it the other way better?”

“Yes. Is that not all right?”

“No, it’s all right.”

Spock seemed to hesitate. “It is not necessary for us to participate in copulation at this time if you prefer not to.”

"Well, I am not sure I'm up for it again at the moment."

Spock blinked slowly. "I meant at all. If you prefer not to-"

“I didn’t say that. I’m fine with sex. I have it all the time, Spock.”

“Against your will.”

Jim looked away. “Yeah. But not with you.”

“I never want you to be a victim with me, Jim.”

“I know.”

There was a moment of silence between them.

“Jim?”

“Yes?”

“What does Pike do to you?”

Jim swallowed and stared into his now empty coffee cup.  “Whatever he wants to, Spock.”

“And if you were to run away?”

“I tried it once.” Jim rubbed his chest, he wasn’t even sure why. “Pike has a lot of friends who are trackers. They can find anyone. They found me.”

Spock left his chair and returned to sit on the bed. He reached for Jim’s hand and touched his fingers to Jim’s. “I do not want him near you.”

“There’s nothing you can do, Spock.”

“I am not so certain.”

“Do you know what the most dangerous thing out here is, Spock?” Jim moved his fingers away from Spock’s. He got up from the bed and picked up his clothes.

“What?”

His chest hurt and his throat burned from the effort not to cry.   He opened the bathroom door.  Said over his shoulder before he closed the door, “Hope.”


	7. I've Got Friends in Low Places

“It is all right, Jim. Come in.”

Jim lingered in the doorway of the downtown restaurant. He looked ready to bolt at any minute. Actually to say he lingered in the doorway was perhaps an exaggeration. He still stood outside. He kept looking behind him and all around him.

“Come,” Spock beckoned.

Perhaps bringing Jim into the better downtown area, away from the seedy docks, had not been the best idea. But he’d wanted to take Jim on a date, have a nice dinner, which he was certain his t’hy’la was not at all used to. There were no suitable establishments near Jim’s locations.

When Spock learned his parents would be in New York with the emperor for two days, he had seen his opportunity to bring Jim out of the darkness, at least temporarily.

“Spock, this is not the place for me,” Jim whispered.

“It is because I say it is. Come inside the restaurant, James. Now.”

Jim licked his lips and stepped inside. He wore clothes Spock himself had supplied him with. The pants were perhaps a little too loose. Spock had not liked the tightness of Jim’s previous pants. They’d left little to the imagination of the appeal of Jim’s rounded ass.

The Tellarite standing at the host station eyed Spock first and then Jim. He barely suppressed the sneer when looking at Jim.

“Can I help you?” the man asked, though he didn’t appear to want to help at all.

“I have reservations for two under Spock, son of Sarek.”

The Tellarite instantly tensed and his attitude disappeared. “Of course, sir. Right this way, sir.”

“Come along, Jim.” Spock reached for Jim’s hand and drew him along to follow the host.

They were given an intimate table for two, as Spock had requested. As they sat and the host put a napkin over Jim’s lap, he looked vaguely uncomfortable.

“Andorian tea for both of us,” Spock told the Tellarite.

“Yes, sir.” And the host moved away.

“You have never been to this sort of establishment?”

“No, never. They don’t allow my kind in places like this.”

“Your kind? Humans?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “No, you know what I mean.” He looked at the menu and for a moment Spock wondered if Jim could even read, but Jim said, “Wow. Expensive.”

“That is not your concern. You may choose what you wish.” Spock perused his menu. “A steak perhaps?”

“Well…”

“As I said, order what you wish, Jim.”

A human appeared, dressed in a tuxedo. Their waiter, Spock supposed. He placed a pot of Andorian tea in between Spock and Jim. He smiled when he met Spock’s gaze but when he looked at Jim, the waiter narrowed his eyes.

“Do I know you from somewhere?” the waiter asked Jim.

Jim looked up from the menu. He turned a little pink. “No. I don’t think so.”

The waiter stared. “Yeah, I do. I wouldn’t forget those eyes. You have nerve coming in a place like this. You’re a dirty little whore. We don’t serve you.”

Spock stood so abruptly, his chair crashed to the floor. He seized the waiter by the collar of his shirt and lifted him off the floor. His fingers wrapped around the man’s throat.

“Spock! No! No, Spock,” Jim said frantically.

“This man insulted you.”

“It’s just words. Words. I’m not worth this. Please?”

Spock fully intended to kill the waiter, but the pleading in Jim’s eyes stopped him.

The Tellarite host appeared. “What is the matter?”

Spock released the waiter, who began to choke and cough. “Get rid of him. And I want all of your best vegetarian dishes and a steak.” He looked to Jim.

“Medium,” Jim said softly.

“Your best and largest cut steak cooked medium.”

“Yes, sir. At once.” The Tellarite grabbed the waiter’s arm and pulled him away from their table.

Spock returned his chair to upright and returned to sitting. “I apologize for his rude behavior.”

Jim nodded. “I’m used to guys like him.”

“Well, you should not have to be. And you should have allowed me to crush his larynx.”

“I thought it might ruin dinner.” Jim smiled a little.

Spock reached for Jim’s hand. “Perhaps you are right, ashayam. But I cannot say I would have regretted the taking of his life.”

Spock poured them tea and handed the cup to Jim.

“How-how many have you killed?”

Spock gave a little shrug. “A few. To speak of their number would be barbaric and not appropriate for our date.”

Jim licked his lips. “I’ve never met anyone like you, Spock.”

“I imagine not.”

“But this?” Jim gestured around him. “He was right. I don’t belong here. I’m not the kind of guy you take to a place like this. To this area. And you didn’t need to bring me here to get me to sleep with you. I would anyway.”

Spock held on to the thread of his patience with a lot of effort. None of this could be blamed on Jim. It was the way he had been brought up. Spock would change that. He did not know how, but he would get Jim away from Pike and the life he was leading.

****

Jim had protested being brought to Spock’s family’s hotel accommodations, but in the end Spock had persuaded him. Their suite of rooms was on the top floor and Jim was quiet as they rode the elevator there.

When they entered the suite, Sybok stood by the doors out to the living room balcony. He raised an eyebrow at Jim’s appearance but said nothing. He clearly wanted to say something to Spock, but not in front of Jim.

“This is my half-brother, Sybok. This is James.”

Sybok inclined his head. “James.”

“Uh, Hi.”

“Come, Jim, let’s get you settled.” Spock steered Jim to his room, which had an attached bathroom with a large sunken tub.

“This—Spock, this is crazy. I shouldn’t be here. Why’d you bring me here?”

“Because I want to be with you and it is all right, Jim. You are safe here. Wait. I must speak to Sybok. I will return.” He touched his fingers to Jim’s and then went back out to speak to Sybok.

“To bring him here is dangerous,” Sybok said immediately, turning away from the window and Spock came out.

“They are not here.”

“Indeed. But if they find out—”

“Do you intend to tell them?”

Sybok shook his head. “No. What you do with the human is your business.”

“He is…t’hy’la.”

“Then you have a problem, Spock. I would not reveal this information to anyone else. Especially not Father.”

Spock nodded. “I do not intend to.”

“You have brought him here, and that is fine. But do not do so again.”

Spock swallowed. “I wished to show him a better place.”

“I understand, Spock. I do not disapprove. But you must know your limitations. Father can be a powerful enemy. You do not want him to learn of James.”

“Yes.”

“I will leave you to it. Make sure he is gone in the morning.” Sybok went to the front door and held out his hand in the ta’al. “Live long and prosper.”

Jim was still sitting on the edge of the bed when Spock returned to his room. He was biting his lip.

“You are not unhappy with me, are you?” Spock knelt in front of him and took his hands in his.

“No. But, Spock, I don’t need all of this.”

“I disagree. You deserve all of this and more.”

Jim smiled and shook his head. “Are you very rich?”

“My father is.” Spock rose and sat on the bed beside Jim. “You are uncomfortable here. Unsettled.”

Jim nodded. “I don’t know this place, this life. It seems like a fantasy.”

“Then you will have this night for your fantasy,” Spock whispered. He lifted his hand to cup Jim’s face. “Taluhk nash-veh k'du.” He kissed Jim softly.

Jim’s eyes closed as he returned Spock’s kiss. Spock pushed him down on the bed, on his back, and began to remove Jim’s clothes. When he had Jim bare to his gaze, Spock removed his own clothes, then returned to kissing Jim.

Spock grabbed Jim’s hands and held them over his head. “I would join our bodies.”

Jim’s eyes opened, gazed at Spock intently. He nodded and licked his lips.

“And our minds.”

“Do it.”

Spock parted Jim’s legs and moved down between them, flicking his tongue into Jim’s entrance.

“Spock,” Jim gasped, clutching at the sheets beneath him.

Spock continued to lave until Jim’s hole was soaked, then he rose above him. His cock was already slick with his own lubricant. He hiked Jim’s legs up and wrapped them around his waist, pushing in. He leaned in to place his hand on Jim’s psi-points.

This—this he could drown in…these eyes…that face…this mind. Spock groaned as they became one and together, losing himself in the pliant body of his mate.


	8. The Silence is Ringing And I Can Almost Feel Your Breath

Jim had been expecting the knock on his apartment door. And still when it came he jumped. He hated that about himself. Living in constant fear here. It was worse when Pike was gone. Pike, for all his faults, and fuck there were many, offered protection. Jim was not weak. He was not. But he couldn’t defend himself against all the wolves who came.

Jim went to the door and opened it. “Hi, Spock.”

“You left,” Spock said, pushing his way past Jim, who closed and locked the door behind him.

“I woke up. It was time to go back.”

“You should have awakened me. I would have escorted you.”

Jim shook his head. “I’m not a baby. I don’t need it.”

“I do not view you as an infant, Jim. But there are dangers and—”

“You have to stop this!” Jim protested.

“Jim—”

“No, Spock. You have to. This-this is just temporary.” Jim pointed to himself and then Spock. “Pretty soon Pike will come back and you’ll be returning to Vulcan and this between us is done. I-I can’t be-I don’t need fancy dinners and hotel rooms with bathrooms bigger than my apartment.”

“I want to give you those things,” Spock said quietly.

“It’s not real. We’re not forever, Spock. No matter what you might think. What we have here, what we have now is all we’re going to have. Do you get that?”

Spock did not answer, just stared at Jim.

Jim swallowed. His heart was pounding. “I like you. A lot. And that’s bad.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.” Jim nodded. “You’re dangerous for me, Spock. I want you to admit this is temporary.”

“I do not want to.”

Jim hardened himself. “Then it’s over now and I want you to leave. Take all your stuff with you.”

Spock blinked, then he slowly shook his head. “That is not what you want.”

Jim licked his lips. “What?”

“I know your thoughts.”

“You-you’re reading my mind?” Jim backed up. “Can you like turn that off or something? It’s really weird.”

“It is our way, Jim. And you and I have a strong connection.”

“Well.” Jim turned away. “I don’t want you to leave. But eventually you have to. Spock, please. Don’t make our time together hard.”

Spock stepped close and put his hands on Jim’s shoulders. His touch was gentle. “That is not my intention, ashayam. If it will ease your distress, then, yes, I will say that our time together is temporary and will end shortly.”

Jim blew out a breath and leaned back against Spock. “Thank you.”

Spock leaned down to touch his lips to Jim’s ear. “Whatever will put you at ease, my beautiful one.”

Jim shivered as Spock’s lips trailed to the back of Jim’s neck. “That-that feels amazing.”

“To me as well,” Spock murmured. “I want you.”

Jim tilted his head to allow Spock to have better access to his throat. “Then take me.”

Fingers massaged through his hair. “I want to make love to you.”

His breath hitched as Spock moved him toward the bed.  As Spock pushed him gently down, he pulled off Jim’s T-shirt. Jim lay on his back as Spock’s hands smoothed over his bare chest. Jim’s eyelids lowered as he trembled beneath Spock’s touch.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'du.”

The words washed over him, though he still had no idea what they meant. Should he ask? They sounded so beautiful. But Jim didn’t deserve beautiful words.

Spock’s lips found his, a deep, possessive kiss that stole Jim’s breath as well as his thoughts. Spock pulled off Jim’s pants and underwear, then his own clothes.

He joined their hands as he rose above Jim, pushing into him.

Jim arched his back as Spock’s fist grasped Jim’s cock. “Spock!”

“Shh,” Spock whispered before devouring Jim’s lips. They moved as one and Jim forgot for a moment they were only temporary.

****

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t going to fall for the Vulcan. And now the summer was over and the Vulcan was leaving back to Vulcan and Jim’s life was going to go to hell again. 

A summer fling.

They’d both agreed that was all it was supposed to be. In the beginning. But after several nights together, Jim knew it was much more than that to him. And he knew it was for Spock, too. Had been perhaps from the beginning.  Spock had never really accepted the temporary thing between them. Jim had tried to deny it. Hope was not good.

It didn’t matter though. No matter his feelings. No matter Spock’s.

Spock was important. The son of an important man in the Empire and Jim…was not.

Spock was betrothed to a Vulcan woman who was supposed to make Spock’s father even more powerful.

Still Jim smiled when he was supposed to. Even as Spock drove his cock into Jim for what he knew was the last time. It was achy and poignant and he both hated it and loved it.

Spock rose from Jim’s crappy, dirty mattress and began to pull his clothes on. Jim turned onto his back and with his arm resting on his forehead, he stared up at the cracked ceiling.

“You could come with me.” Spock’s soft words cut into the night, cut into Jim. Words he had both hoped for and dreaded hearing.

“No, I couldn’t. I would never be accepted there. Not by your father. Not by your people. You would be married and I…”

“I will not marry her. I will have the bond broken.”

“We’d both be ostracized.”

“Then we will go somewhere else, t’hy’la.”

Jim had no idea what the Vulcan word meant, but Spock had used it for him before. Several times. He hadn’t asked. Was afraid to.

“We agreed this was for the summer,” he said. “You agreed, Spock.” He made the words harsher than they needed to be. Steeled himself for the resulting pain. “You need to leave. Like we said.”

Spock turned away, his back to Jim now, and Jim’s heart cracked a little more in his chest. Love was for fools. For the weak. And Jim was not weak.

“If that is what you wish.”

Jim made himself get up from the bed. This was goodbye and he would not be a coward. He stood before Spock and touched his fingertips to the stubble on Spock’s face. It was very nearly a beard. Jim thought it would be someday. It felt raw. Everything was raw. Jim was an open, gaping wound.

“I’ll never forget you, Spock.”

“Nor I you, Jim.” They held each other’s gaze for a long time. An eternity perhaps. Then Spock lowered his, first. “Taluhk nash-veh k'du.”

Spock turned toward the door and twisted the handle. He paused for five seconds more then stepped through the door and closed it behind him.

He really should have learned Vulcan.

Jim stared at the door for a long time. He allowed himself ten minutes of tears, then he angrily wiped them away. Pike was due back and he would expect certain things out of Jim. The normal Jim, not this soft, crying, heartsick Jim.

He needed the pain now. The burn. The hurt. The release. He picked up a knife and sliced his palm, letting the pain sting, and the blood calm him.

“Goodbye, Spock.”


	9. I'm Sick and Tired of Being Afraid, If I Cry Anymore Then My Tears Will Wash Me Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains Non-Con

Spock looked back at Jim’s apartment. Tomorrow he would come for his t’hy’la. No matter what Jim said. Pike was supposed to be back tomorrow afternoon but, Jim would be gone, for Spock would get him in the morning.

He would hide Jim until Spock could arrange everything properly. And he would do so even if he had to neck pinch his t’hy’la to get his cooperation.

But first, Spock needed to arrange a place to take Jim until Spock could claim him. A place where Pike could not find him. A place where Sarek would not find him.

Spock made his way back to the hotel, his mind on rescuing Jim.

If he had the opportunity he would kill this human named Pike for all that he had done to Jim. But getting Jim away was of more immediate importance.

As soon as he was within sight distance of the hotel, Spock’s steps faltered. His family links were…unstable. Swirling in his head like a poison. Dark, insidious. Cloudy. He shook his head and quickened his pace.

“Spock,” a guard to him. “You are safe. Come.” The guard grabbed Spock and pulled him inside the hotel.

“What has happened?” Spock demanded.

The guard would not answer, merely pushed him into the elevator and then pressed the button for Spock’s family’s floor.

The elevator opened onto their floor and Sybok was waiting for Spock. To Spock’s surprise, Sybok pulled him into an embrace.

“You are safe.” Sybok pulled back. “I thought the worst.”

“What has happened?” Spock asked again. “Was the emperor attacked?”

“No.” Sybok turned and gestured to several boxes and suitcases. “We return to Vulcan now.”

“What? We were not going until three days from now.”

“Our plans have changed.”

“But why?”

Sybok stared at him. “Sarek and Amanda are dead, Spock. Assassinated on the way to the Emperor’s Palace.”

Spock backed up a step, clenching his fists. “It is not possible.”

“I am sorry, Spock. Our father, your mother is dead. I have seen their bodies myself. The emperor is furious. The empire is on notice. There is fighting in the city. We are going.”

“But…Jim.”

“There is no time. You will send for him later.”

“No, I must take him with us now, Sybok.”

“And I say no. We leave now, Spock.” Sybok’s eyes were hard. “Terra is in turmoil. We will be safe on Vulcan.”

“And my t’hy’la?”

“He is not my responsibility,” Sybok replied. “I promised Father once I would keep you safe. Even now there may be those coming after us to finish off our family.”

“I cannot leave him.”

Sybok sighed. “Very well. I understand.” He put his hand on Spock’s shoulder. “You must do what you feel is right, brother.”

“Thank you.”

Sybok shook him slightly. “And I must do what I feel is right.” He moved his hand to Spock’s neck and squeezed.

****

Jim stood, arms crossed over his chest, as Pike walked in the door of the apartment. He looked as he had before he’d left. Patch over his left eye, scar across his right cheek. He was grinning.

“Well, James, I’m back.”

“Yes, sir. A day early.”

Pike kicked the door closed with his boots, it rattled the whole room. The lone window rattled, cracked.  He followed Jim’s gaze. “Never mind that. We’re leaving this hell hole anyway.”

Jim could not hide his surprise. “What? Where?”

“Haven’t you heard, boy? There’s been an assassination.”

“The emperor?”

“No. Allies of his. But the palace, the very empire is in unrest. We’re going to try our fortunes elsewhere,  James. On Orion.”

Jim sucked in a breath. “Orion?”

“Correct.” Pike walked up to him, grabbed his chin. “You’ll do well on Orion.”

Jim licked his lips before he even thought about it. He knew his mistake as soon as Pike narrowed his eyes.

“What the fuck?” Pike snarled. He pried Jim’s jaw open. He pulled on Jim’s tongue, hard. “Where is your piercing?” Pike shouted, spittle hitting Jim’s face.

Jim moaned.

Pike let his tongue go. “Answer!”

“A customer took it.”

“You let him?”

“He took it by force.”

Pike struck Jim across the face, making his teeth clack. He tasted blood. “We’re going to get it done again, you little shit. I like the way it feels on my cock.” He backhanded Jim again and Jim bit his tongue, he winced at the pain. "You stupid whore. You're weak." 

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

“Before we leave to Orion it will be pierced again. Maybe some other parts of you, too.”

“Yes.”

Pike pushed him down to his knees and undid his pants. “Suck me off.”

Jim stared at Pike’s hardening cock. He opened his mouth, closed his eyes. Tried to pretend he was somewhere else. Anywhere else. Anywhere. As Pike’s fingers threaded through his hair, and shoved his cock into Jim’s mouth, he tasted the bitterness and musk of Pike’s dick. Jim tried not to gag. Pike would punish him for it.

 _Spock_.

Tears burned in his eyes as Pike thrust again and again in his mouth, it seemed like forever until Pike came down Jim’s throat.

He clenched fists, filled with rage and humiliation.

Someday. Someday he was gonna be the one to fuck other people up.  He would survive until then. And get his vengeance.  


	10. This is Agony But It's Still a Thrill For Me This Could End in Tragedy

_Five Years Later_

Ensign James T. Kirk followed after Lieutenant Christopher Pike and Captain Robert April as they made their way down the corridor of the ISS Enterprise toward their inspection of the new Agony Booth that had just been loaded aboard. They wouldn’t be leaving Terra for another couple of days.

Jim thought coming from where he’d been on Terra five years ago to where he was now was quite a feat. Despite Pike being a fucking bastard, he’d brought Jim into the Empire’s military when he himself had decided it was the next best step for the both of them. They’d both gone through the training and passed the exams with ease. Jim was pretty sure some of that was due to Pike threatening some of the weaklings who’d given the exams.

“Ensign Kirk.” Somebody grabbed him from behind. Jim unsheathed his dagger, turned around quickly, seized the offender and smashed him against the bulkhead, dagger cutting into the man's throat.

“Do. Not. Touch. Me. Ever.”

The man paled as the dagger cut lightly into his throat, blood appearing. “S-sorry, Mr. Kirk. I had-I’d been c-calling you.”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “What do you want?”

“There-there’s a message for Captain April. They said it was urgent.”

Jim let go of the man as he slumped to the floor. “Never lay your hands on me again. Got that?”

“Yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Kirk.”

“Now, get out of here. Before I regret being merciful.” Jim sheathed his dagger as the crewmember ran off. Jim shook his head and hurried to catch up to the others.

Pike looked back at him as he approached. “Mr. Kirk, I thought perhaps you had lost your way.”

“No, Sir. Captain April, you have received a message. It’s urgent.”

April stopped and turned to look at Kirk and Pike. He was an older man. Older than Pike by a good ten years, at least. His face was lined with scars and a burn mark by his right ear. Jim thought once, maybe, he might have been handsome. But the harshness of living, fighting in the Empire had erased all traces of that.

“I’ll take it in my quarters. Lieutenant Pike, Ensign Kirk, you will continue with the inspection of the Agony Booth.”

Pike bowed very slightly. “As you wish, Captain.”

Jim and Pike watched Captain April go back the way they came.

“Ever see one of these booths, Mr. Kirk?”

“No, sir.”

Pike smirked. “Come.”

They entered the brig area where the Agony Booth was kept. They were met by security and a chief.

Jim eyed the large booth that was covered in glass.

“It’s glass so you can watch, of course,” Pike told him. He pointed to a series of buttons on the controls. “There are different levels of pain.”

Truer words were never spoken as far as Jim was concerned, though he knew Pike meant the Booth itself.

“Would you care for a demonstration, sir?” the chief, who stood by the controls, asked politely.

Pike glanced at Jim. “You’ve never experienced the Booth.”

“No.”

“If you’re going to order others to experience it, you should experience it yourself at least once, Mr. Kirk.”

Jim smiled wolfishly. “Indeed, Mr. Pike. I believe that you would then be the ideal candidate for the first demonstration.” Jim looked at the buttons. “On the lowest level, of course.”

Pike stared at Jim, his one good eye narrowed in what was the familiar glare. Jim merely raised his eyebrows in response. He knew Pike would not refuse for fear of looking like he was afraid.

“You are correct, Mr. Kirk,” Pike replied. “Open the door.”

The chief pulled a lever and the glass door swung open. Pike got in the Booth and stood in the middle, his legs spread wide, his hands folded in front of him, braced for the pain.

The door closed.

The chief met Jim’s gaze and Jim smiled as he leaned over and pushed the third highest button.

Pike’s eyes bugged out as his whole body thrashed in pain and he began to scream. Jim watched him for several seconds, making sure his satisfaction did not show.

“Ensign Kirk?” A crewmember approached.

“Yes?”

“Captain April has requested Lieutenant Pike’s presence immediately.”

“Very well.” Jim shut off the Booth and the chief pulled the door release.

Pike came out and stumbled just a little. He was several shades paler, but he was upright. “That was the lowest level?” he demanded, eyes on Jim.

“Of course, sir. Wasn’t it, Chief?”

The chief nodded. “Yes, Mr. Pike. Lowest level.”

“The captain requests you at once,” Jim said.

Pike nodded. “You will, of course, take your turn in the Booth while I am gone.”

“I fully intend to, Lieutenant.”

Jim waited for Pike to follow the crewmember out of the area. Then he turned to the chief, “Open the door, Chief.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim got in.

“Lowest level, Ensign?”

Jim shook his head. “Same level as Mr. Pike.”

“Are you certain?”

“Positive.”

The pain was intense as it shocked through his limbs and then his torso. He clenched his fists and grit his teeth against the agony. The Booth was well-named. It stopped suddenly. Jim drew in a breath.

“Higher, Chief.”

“Sir?”

“One level higher. Now.”

The chief pressed a button and excruciating pain instantly assailed him. Jim dropped to one knee as he yelled.

The chief turned it off.

Jim gasped. “Higher.”

“What? Mr. Kirk, much higher than the next level and you’ll end up in sickbay, sir.”

“Do. It. Now.”

The chief nodded. “Yes, sir.”

Horrible, horrible agony, electrical shocks jerked his body until he was almost in full seizure. He crawled on the floor, in too much pain to even cry out. And then it was over and the door flew open. The chief stepped in and reached down to help Jim to his feet.

“Are you all right, sir?”

Jim swayed into him for a moment as he got his bearings. He forced the pain away, the numbness he was used to. “Yes, I’m fine. I can walk, Mr. Scott, thank you.”

They stepped out of the Booth. Jim eyed the controls. Above the two he’d experienced there were three more. The last one had the marking, _Death_.

“Who will be manning the Booth normally? You’re an engineer, aren’t you, Mr. Scott?”

“Aye, Mr. Kirk. Normally it will be the Chief of Security, Mr. Giotto. He was unavailable today.”

“Very good. The Agony Booth appears to be most effective. I will report my findings to the Captain. Put guards on the Booth, and then you are dismissed.”

Mr. Scott saluted and then went to do as Jim said.

When this ship became his, Mr. Scott could be a worthy ally, Jim decided. He left the Brig area and made his way up to see the captain.


	11. It's Love's Illusions That I Recall, I Really Don't Know Love at All

Jim walked into the bar, hands shoved into the pockets of his coat. Immediately he caught the stares of patrons in the bar. Some openly leering at him. His gaze took in everyone there, learning every potential threat. He was certain he could take any of them.

He passed down to the end of the bar where a man sat with just a single seat next to him. Jim stopped next to the seat. “Is this taken?”

The man, brown-haired, with hazel eyes more green than brown, eyed Jim with a sort of sarcastic flair. There was a light colored scar above his lip. “Suit yourself.”

Jim took the stool, which allowed him to lean against the back wall of the bar. He could now easily see everything.

The bartender, an Andorian, came over. “What’ll it be?”

“Romulan ale.”

After only seconds, it was slammed down in front of him, foam sloshing on the bar counter as the Andorian moved away.

“You’re late.”

“Only a few minutes, Bones.”

Leonard “Bones” McCoy, a doctor he’d met while studying for his illustrious Imperial career, shook his head. “I have better things to do than to waste my time waiting for you, Jim.”

Jim nudged his friend. “I’m sure, Bones. Are you ready for the voyage?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be. Met with Boyce earlier.”

“The new CMO?”

“Yeah, taking over for April’s wife, Sarah. She’s staying behind on Terra.” Bones signaled the bartender and shortly thereafter he had another drink in front of him. Jim noticed it was blue.

“You and your sweet drinks.”

“I gotta get my sugar from somewhere, darlin,” Bones said with a wink. “Boyce is a real prick.”

“I’ve heard that. What do you intend to do about it?”

“Nothing at first. I’ve got to learn my place around there. Then we will see.”

“I want you as my CMO, Bones.”

“You’re dreaming, kid. What are you? Twenty-one?”

“Yeah.” Jim’s gaze surveyed the other customers again. “I’m not saying I’ll take over tomorrow, but it will come. And you’re going to be my CMO.”

“How’s it going with Pike?”

Jim shrugged. “Most of the time that stuff you gave me works. He wakes up thinking we fucked when we didn’t.”

“Only most of the time?”

“There are times I don’t get a chance to give it to him. Then I have to use other methods. But what you gave me is sufficient for now.”

“You want me to render him impotent, kid, just say the word.”

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. He’s interested in someone else at the moment, which is good for me.”

Bones downed his blue drink and with a quick gesture, the bartender brought him another as well as another Romulan ale for Jim. “Who?”

“A woman. She’s in Engineering. She’s on the Enterprise. He’s been with her every night for the last month or so. Maybe it’s love.” Jim laughed. “Like that fucker is capable of that.”

“Even the most vile creatures of the universe are capable of love, Jim.”

“You are such a philosopher, Bones.” Jim finished his first ale and grabbed the second. “And a romantic.”

“And April?”

“He won’t last long if Pike has anything to say about it. He’s old, washed up. The Enterprise going back out with him as her captain again is a last ditch effort for the Empire to save his flagging career.” Jim touched his temple.

“Crazy?”

“Like a fox. But yeah, he’s not all there anymore. If he ever was. He’s got a button in his quarters that eliminates his enemies.”

Bones raised both brows. “That’s real? I thought it was mere rumor.”

Jim shook his head and smirked. “No mere rumor, Bones. I’ve seen it myself.”

“Son of a bitch. You’ve been inside April’s quarters?”

Jim took a large swallow of ale. “I have. You know I can get in just about anywhere without a trace, Bones.”

“You definitely have a flare for the dramatic.” Bones sighed. “Be careful then, Jim. I’m surprised you didn’t use it yourself.”

“I’m biding my time, Bones. It will come.”

“What chance does Pike have against April if he has something like that?”

“Getting April away from his quarters? I don’t know and I don’t care. If April eliminates Pike for me? So much the better. Either way they’ll both be out of the way soon enough, one way or another. If Pike doesn’t get to him first, April will retire from being an active battleship commander. They’ll promote the whack job to Admiral or something.” Jim slipped off the stool. “And now, I need to get back to the ship. You coming?”

Bones put down credits and got off his stool. Jim had no clue how many drinks Bones had before he’d ever arrived but his friend showed absolutely no signs of being intoxicated. Bones could outdrink anyone.

When they reached the docking bay for the ship, Jim caught sight of Pike. He was bruised, battered, and cut, bleeding from several wounds.

“Lieutenant? What happened?” Jim asked.

Pike grimaced. “I was attacked by thugs. They jumped me out of nowhere. Stole all my credits. Shit. It’s lucky I’m alive.”

“That’s terrible, sir. You’d better get to sickbay right away. Dr. Boyce can take care of most of that.”

Pike nodded. “I was headed there.” He took a step, then grimaced again.

“Sir?”

“One of them kneed me in the groin something bad,” Pike said. “Fucking hurt.”

“Ah.” Jim tried for a sympathetic look. “Ice, sir.”

“Ice?”

“For the swelling.”

“Uh. Yeah.” Pike narrowed his eyes at Kirk. Then he glanced at Bones. “You’re with the medical team, aren’t you?”

“McCoy, sir, yes.”

“Guess I’ll see you there.” Pike limped off toward the ship.

Jim smiled at Bones. “Shall we?”

“You wouldn’t know anything about those thugs, would you, Jim?”

“Who? Me?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “I figured. Just be careful, like I said.”

“I’m careful.”

Bones walked with Jim all the way to his quarters on the ship. “Hey, kid?”

“Yeah?”

“Think you’ll ever be in love?” Bones asked. “Not that it matters or whatever. Just wondered.”

“I am in love, Bones.”

“You are? With who?”

“You don’t know him. And I’ll never see him again. Goodnight, Bones.” He accessed his quarters, stepped inside and then closed the door behind him.  


	12. 'Cause Two Can Keep a Secret if One of Them is Dead

“Lord Spock?”

Spock looked up from the terminal he was working on. “Yes?”

“She is calling for you.”

“Very well.” Spock finished sending his correspondence and rose from behind his desk.

He made his way down the long corridor and to the left down another. The guard at her door saluted and Spock nodded as the door slid open.

The room was dark and smelled of impending death. She lay in the bed, pale, and barely moving. Her eyes were glassy as he reached the bed.

An elderly Vulcan female, T’Lura, sat by her bed. She shook her head at Spock

“T’Pring, it is Spock.”

“Spock?” she whispered faintly.

“Yes, I am here.”

“The child?”

“Is well. There is no need for you to be concerned,” Spock assured her.

“You will care for him?”

“Yes.”

She nodded. “You have been a good husband even if I was not a good wife.”

“It is time for you to be at peace, T’Pring. What came before does not matter.”

“Yes. It is logical.” She closed her eyes and gave one last shuddered breath.

T’Lura rose and inspected T’Pring. “She has passed.”

“You will see to the arrangements.”

“My lord?” T’Lura spoke as Spock turned to leave.

“Yes?”

“The infant expired and yet you did not advise her of his passing.”

“She was about to pass herself, there was no logical reason to burden her final moments with the information,” Spock replied.

“And yet, Vulcans do not lie.” Her tone was reproving.

“Then it came from my human half.”

She pursed her lips. “I grieve with thee.”

“The infant was not mine and T’Pring was not my true wife,” he said quietly.

“Explain.”

“For T’Pring’s sake and that of her family, we maintained that we were bonded, but we were not. She preferred Stonn, who was the infant’s father, and I preferred my own bondmate.”

“You are bonded to another?”

“Yes.”

“I do not understand. Where is she?”

“I am not bonded to a female. And my mate is not Vulcan.”

“A human?” T’Lura asked, with barely disguised distaste.

“Affirmative.”

“Where is he that he allows this deception?”

Spock looked away from the old Vulcan’s stare. “Somewhere within the Terran Empire. If you will excuse me?”

Spock left the room of death and made his way back down the long corridor. Spock had already made Stonn aware of the death of his son and T’Pring. A contagion had been passing through Vulcan that had contaminated many Vulcans, a near term T’Pring amongst them. Most Vulcans had recovered from the illness except those weakened by either age or some other infirmary. Unfortunately T’Pring’s pregnancy had been a difficult one for the duration of her term and she had succumbed.

Spock made his way to decontamination and put himself through the machine that would rid him of any traces of the contagion. They did not wish for it to pass through their population again.

Once done, he left the chamber, his clothing necessarily disposed of, and clothed himself in a brown robe before returning to his offices. 

He had been working on his terminal for more than an hour when a guard appeared.

“My lord?”

“Yes?”

“A message from your brother.” The guard handed him a missive and then departed.

Spock scanned the contents.

_I hope this finds you well, Spock._

_My latest research into the whereabouts of James Kirk has proven fruitless. There were reports that he spent some additional time on Orion, other than his initial time, but he does not appear to be there any longer, if he ever was. Another report has him deceased on the planet, Rigel 5, but it is my belief this information is false, perhaps even falsely planted. It is also possible he is serving on an Imperial ship. If I find out any further information, I will be in touch. Sybok_

Spock steepled his fingers together as he read the missive a further two times. He agreed with Sybok. His mate was most definitely not dead. He would know it. He’d heard the information before that Jim was serving on an Imperial cruiser. He had been unable to discover which. Spock suspected that Pike was covering their tracks very carefully. Their time spent after Spock left Terra upon the assassination of his parents had been becoming notorious criminals. They’d thieved and destroyed all across the galaxy, beginning in Orion, as had been reported. Presently, however, Spock did not know where James was.

Spock brought up the latest holopic he had of James. It appeared about a year prior. There were scars on his t’hy’la’s face that had not been there before and a hardness in those incredible eyes. But it was James. His mate. And Spock would coax the fire from his mate once more when they were reunited. Spock ran his thumb along the picture. The tongue piercing was back as well. And there was an earring on the left earlobe.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered.

“My Lord Spock?” The guard again.

Spock powered down his terminal and turned to the guard.

“Your ship is ready for your departure.”

“Very well. I will be there in thirty-three point two minutes.”

“Aye, my lord.”

Spock left his office via a side door to the right and changed into the uniform of the Vulcan High Command.

Then he walked over to the crib in the corner and he picked up the sleeping Vulcan baby.

“Varen,” Spock said softly. The name meant ‘one who raises up’. “It is just us. For now.”

Spock turned as one of his officers entered his room. “The ship is modified to accommodate Varen?”

“Yes, my lord Commander. The nursery is prepared for your son.”

He had a mission now to carry out that would prevent his continuing search for Jim. Temporarily. He hoped it would not take too long for he was determined to find Jim, and together they would be unstoppable.  


	13. Oh, I Am What I Am I'll Do What I Want, But I Can't Hide

Jim watched Captain April belittle the crew member standing before him. April had been screaming obscenities at the man for the last five minutes.

Jim kept his expression carefully blank, a direct imitation of Pike, who stood next to him. Pike’s arms were linked behind his back, his posture straight and rigid. Jim copied the stance. But as the crew member flinched at the verbal assault from April, Jim forced himself not to wince.

“You have no excuse, do you?” April demanded.

“No, sir.”

“I detest incompetence. I find it unforgiveable.” April turned to Pike. “Eliminate him.”

_Show nothing, Jim. Nothing._

Pike smiled wolfishly. “As you wish, Captain. However, might I suggest we give the task to Mister Kirk?”

April smirked, glancing at Kirk. “Well, Mister Kirk? Now is the chance to prove your loyalty to me and to this ship. Are you up for the task?”

“Perhaps some time spent in the booth would be sufficient, Captain.”

April stepped close to Jim, his glare baleful, his breath stale and unpleasant.  “There’s no room for softness in my officers, Kirk.”

“Yes, sir.”

April removed his phaser and turned it to kill. He handed it to Jim. “Then you know what I expect from you, don’t you?”

Jim’s hand closed around the phaser. It was either turn it on April and Pike, himself or the crew member.  He didn’t know how far he’d get if he killed April and Pike, for there were still others who were loyal to them. There was the possibility of himself, which would mean he was out of this forever, but then April and Pike would kill the man anyway, and likely several others.  

Jim raised the phaser at the crew member and fired. The man collapsed to the ground…dead.

“Good work, Kirk. Pike, you’re with me. Kirk, notify security to get rid of the body.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Pike followed after April, but not without looking back at Jim. Jim kept his expression blank.

When they were gone, Jim bowed his head.

****

He’d barely made it back to his quarters and his bathroom before he was throwing up. Over and over he heaved up the contents of his stomach. He dropped to his knees, hugging the toilet, tears burning his eyes.

He jumped a little when he felt a hand on the back of his neck, but glancing back he saw it was just Bones.

“Let it all out, kid,” Bones said softly.

After another five minutes, Jim sat on the floor, wiping his mouth.

“Better?”

Jim shook his head. Tears streamed down his face now.

Bones stood and reached a hand to pull Jim to a stand. “Rinse out your mouth and then come into the room.”

Jim did as Bones said and then returned to find Bones holding a cup of tea.  He took it without a word and then went to sit on his bed. “How’d you know?”

“It’s all over the ship already,” Bones replied. “Of course no one expects this. You’re being talked of as a bad ass.”

Jim clenched his eyes closed. “If only they knew.”

“You really weren’t cut out for this, Jim.”

“I don’t have any choice.”

“Yeah, maybe not. Drink that.”

Jim opened his eyes, his vision blurred by his tears, and he took a sip. “If I don’t get used to this, they’re going to eat me alive.”

Bones nodded. “That’s what I was about to tell you.”

“I almost turned it on myself.”

“Not the first time you thought of suicide, is it?”

“No.” Jim let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know why I haven’t done it.”

“You don’t really want to die.”

Jim swallowed heavily and took another sip of tea. “That man would be alive if I did it.”

“No he wouldn’t. We both know April wanted to make an example of him.” Bones sat next to Jim on the bed. “What’s with you and the booth?”

Jim glanced at him. “You know about that?”

“Yeah. As one of the medical officers on here I get reports on all crew members who are put in the booth. Even those who volunteer for it.”

“Well.”

“Are you toughening up or trying to end your life there?”

“Maybe both.” Jim’s breath hitched.

Bones stared at him, a pretty hard glint in his eyes. “That man won’t be the last one you kill, Jim, you have to know that.”

“So, what am I supposed to do about it?”

“Choose your friends very carefully.”

“Like you, Bones?”

Bones curled his hand around the back of Jim’s neck and shook him gently. “Like me.”

****

Jim knelt down next to the space coffin the dead crew member had just been placed in. He was about to be shot out into space.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Did you say something, Jim?”

Jim looked up to see the engineer, Scott, standing in the doorway of the chamber. “No.”

“Is he ready then?” Scott asked.

“Yeah I imagine there’s nothing else to do for him now.”

Scott stared at him.

“What?”

“You’re not what I expected, Jim,” Scott said. “Not at all.”

“And is that good or bad, Mister Scott?”

“You can call me Scotty. And it’s good. Believe me, it’s good.”

Scotty went over to the release that would send the crew member into space.

“It’s strange, isn’t it?” Jim asked.

“What is?”

“No one’s here to say goodbye.”

“Well, as I understand it, he didn’t have family or many friends.”

Like me, Jim thought. But then he glanced at Scotty and then thought of Bones. Maybe not.

“Permission to send him off, Ensign Kirk?”

“Yeah, Scotty.”

Scotty pressed the release and the space coffin moved toward the chute.

Jim gave it the Imperial salute and noticed when Scotty saw him do it, he did it too.


	14. You Were Told to Run Away, Soak the Place, and Light the Flame

“You are troubled, Spock.”

It was pointless to deny it. Especially to his grandmother, T’Pau. He’d traveled far to see her. He and Sybok had moved her from Vulcan after the assassination of Sarek and Amanda. They kept the location…the planet…secret from everyone.

In the five years since the death of her son, T’Pau had seemingly aged many years, for she was frail, easily tired, and there was sadness there in her eyes she was no longer able to hide.

“It is cold in here,” Spock said as he stood. He grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around her and Varen, whom she was holding close to her chest.

“You are deflecting.” But her gaze was on the infant. “What troubles you?”

“Many things, grandmother.”

Her gaze met his. “Perhaps it is your conscience. Varen’s mother…”

“Is no more. She bade me care for her child in her death.”

“And the father?”

“One who is to be kept from Varen at all costs. T’Pring grew to fear and loathe him.”

T’Pau’s lips thinned. “Still to keep the father from his son.”

Spock shook his head. “He is my son now. And your grandson.”

“You need not fear I will harm him or turn him over to another.”

“I know. That is why I brought him here.”

“And what is your purpose? What will you do?”

“My purpose is twofold.” Spock sat beside her and took his son from her arms. He held a bottle to Varen’s mouth and the infant began to eagerly suckle.

“Yes?”

“To find my t’hy’la.”

“James Kirk.”

“Yes.”

“He is with the Imperial Forces. He is an officer there.”

Spock glanced at her in surprise. “You know this for certain?”

T’Pau arched her brow. “Do you doubt me, Spock?”

“Negative.”

“For now, he is safe. Claiming him at present is not urgent.”

Spock looked down at Varen, the infant’s dark eyes gazed back at him. “What if it becomes so?”

“You will know when the time is right, Spock. We will continue to monitor him from afar. In the meantime, you should spend time raising Varen. He will need you now.”

“He will need my t’hy’la also.”

She nodded. “Yes, eventually. But not now.”

Spock tried to tamp down his frustration. He wanted Jim by his side now.

“You’re impatience does not do you credit,” T’Pau said severely. “If you go for James now, it will be disastrous for both of you. Heed me.”

Spock clenched his jaw. “And the other?”

“It is revenge you seek.”

“Would you not? My father was your son.”

“Do not think to remind me, young one,” T’Pau said. “I know well of his crimes against my family. But revenge—”

“He killed both of my parents,” Spock reminded her.

T’Pau fell quiet. Then, “You will leave Varen with me while you go after him.”

Spock hesitated. He touched a finger to the baby’s little hand. Varen wrapped his chubby fist around Spock’s finger. “It probably would be better if the infant were not with me.”

“You will return to us when you have succeeded.”

****

“Do you require assistance?” One of the guards asked.

Spock eyed the Vulcan guards who accompanied him. “Wait outside. I will call for you when it is time.”

“Yes, sir.”

Spock nodded at the man and opened the door with as little sound as possible. He approached his opponent carefully.

His back was to Spock, hands clenched behind his back, as he gazed out at the darkening sky. He turned upon Spock’s approach.

“Spock? I was not expecting you.”

Spock tilted his head. “Were you not?”

“I was not. You did not inform me you were coming.”

“Yet if you think very carefully, _brother_ , I believe you will know why I am here.”

Sybok arched a brow. “I cannot think of your purpose.”

“Then you intend to play games.”

Sybok stared at him silently.

“I trusted you. Above all others.”

“They were old school, Spock. Their ways and ideas were not moving forward.”

“And you killed them for it. My mother. Our father.”

“I did not do so lightly,” Sybok replied softly.

“And you prevented me from rescuing my t’hy’la from a monster.”

“A mere man, not a monster.”

Spock stepped closer. “Do you dare justify yourself to me?”

“Vulcan is better off with Sarek’s death. The very Empire is. You know this, Spock.  Everything we have done has bettered our situation.”

“Not everything.”

“Your t’hy’la was necessary collateral damage.”

“Do not speak of him thusly.”

“He still lives. You will be reunited with him.”

Spock shook his head. “Come,” he called out.

The door opened, letting in the guards Spock had brought with him.

“Seize him and take him away.”

“Spock, you need me,” Sybok said as the guards put restraints on him. “Do not do anything foolish.”

“I have let you live. That is likely foolish enough.” Spock gestured. “Take him away.”

****

T’Pau turned from Varen’s crib, where she had been leaning over talking quietly with the infant.

“It is done,” Spock told her.

“Death?”

“Negative. But he will not see the light of day again.”

Her lips thinned. “My own grandson.”

“Yes.” Spock leaned in and touched the infant. “And my son?”

“He is well, Spock. And now, you must stay and raise him.”

Spock’s side twisted. “And James?”

“He will wait for you when the time is right.”

    


	15. Uncover Our Heads and Reveal Our Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five years later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings  
> Implied sexual assault, implied violence, self-harm

For a long time, Jim just stared at the ceiling above the bed…keeping his eyes … his face … blank. It was hard to hide the rage while allowing his body to be violated. He dug his fists into the sheet below him as Pike pounded into him with no finesse and a lot of brutality. He did not flinch at the grunts coming from the other man that broke the nearly unbearable silence in the room.

When it was over and Pike withdrew, Jim continued to stare above, his face remaining blank, devoid of any indication of the monster lurking within.

Pike got dressed in his command gold, the insignia of his captaincy. Which of course he had gotten by finally slaughtering Robert April. Jim did not miss April even one bit. But he did not approve of the brutality with which Pike did it. Slaughter was the absolute appropriate term for what Pike had done to their former captain.

Jim doubted he would ever forget the sight of April's face bashed into a bloody sunken mass of unrecognizable flesh.

Pike had said it was necessary to take April by surprise, given the little button he had in his quarters. A button now Captain Pike had.

“You should get dressed, Commander,” Pike said, over his shoulder. “We’re taking on new officers today. They’re arriving by shuttle. I’ll want you there.”

“I need a shower.”

Pike nodded. “Meet down in the shuttle bay when you’re ready.”

Pike had been gone from Jim’s quarters a full five minutes before he finally moved.

For a while, Jim had been able to escape the unwanted attentions of Pike. Through drugs he obtained from Bones and from Pike’s own interest in others. Somehow Bones’ drugs had lost their potency over time and they no longer had the wanted affect to keep Pike away from him. And, Pike always seemed to grow bored with whoever he fucked…except, unfortunately, Jim.

He sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, willing the nausea to go away. But it wasn’t working. His stomach was flipping and turning, sour with acid and dread.

Jim leaned over and reached into the bedside table next to his bed. He withdrew the dagger he had there. A different one from the one he always carried with him. This one was smaller and less sharp. He turned his palm over and sliced it down the middle, following the middle line of his palm. It didn’t hurt. Not really. It took a great deal of pain for Jim to feel it these days.

Blood oozed from the wound. He put it up to his face and smeared his cheeks with it. He supposed he was really quite mad now. Sometimes he certainly thought so.

He returned the dagger to its place, with his own blood still on the blade, and rose from the bed at last. His ass stung from Pike’s assault. The fucker never used enough lubricant, if he used any at all. Jim was no doubt bleeding.

Jim stumbled into the bathroom and went to the sink to run his cut hand under the flow of water. Yeah, and he was going to take a fucking water shower too. Fuck them all.

He looked ghastly with the blood all over his face, not to mention the various scars he’d obtained. He had one on his forehead above his right eyebrow. And another, longer, uglier one on his left cheek that was from a poisonous blade. He’d barely survived that. But he had. Thanks to Bones. Sometimes he wasn’t sure he should be thanking the good doctor.

After shutting off the water to the sink, he made his way to the standing shower, and stepped inside, starting the water. He stood under the harsh, punishing spray---he made sure it was the hardest, most pulsing setting—and let the water wash off the blood, Pike, and his numbness.

He knelt on the bottom of the shower and let the sobs come.

****

“You took a long time,” Pike said to Jim when he got there. “The shuttle has already arrived.”

“I had a lot of filth to wash off.” Jim gave him a challenging stare. “Captain.”

Pike narrowed his eyes. “”We’re welcoming our new Science officer, a Vulcan. Ever met one?”

“No,” Jim lied.

“This one is said to be brilliant. A huge improvement over the last one.”

“Well, considering Dr. Marcus lost her head, I imagine so, sir.”

“Sarcasm, Commander Kirk?”

“Me, sir?”

Pike rolled his eyes. “We’re also getting a new security chief, Lieutenant Sulu.”

“What happened to Giotto?”

“I believe he is even now experiencing his last breath in the booth,” Pike replied.

“I was unaware you were unhappy with his performance.”

Pike shrugged. “He was getting lax. Someone entered my quarters undetected. He wasn’t even able to tell me who it was. That is unacceptable with all our surveillance.”

The shuttle bay door opened to reveal two officers coming down the ramp toward them.

Jim did not know the Asian man he assumed was Lieutenant Sulu. He wore the red shirt of security and had several notable scars across his face.

But the one who walked just slightly behind Sulu, Jim knew all too well.

He had a beard now, a neatly trimmed goatee. His face was unblemished by scars, that Jim could see, anyway. But those dark eyes were branded on Jim’s soul. Those elegant hands had played Jim’s body like a fine instrument.

“This is our new Science Officer, Lieutenant Commander Spock. And our new Security Chief, Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu,” Pike said when they stopped in front of Pike and Jim. “I’m Captain Christopher Pike. And this is Commander James T. Kirk, my first officer.”

Jim met Spock’s gaze. “Lieutenant Commander.” He turned to Sulu. “Lieutenant Sulu. Welcome to the Enterprise.”


	16. I've Been Treated So Wrong I've Been Treated So Long As If I'm Becoming Untouchable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from one of my usual favorites, My Skin

He was being followed.

Of course he would have detected it even if his follower had been discreet— had been attempting to hide his pursuit—but this…this shadow did not. He was far too arrogant for that.

To say Jim had been gobsmacked with the reappearance of Spock in his life would be an understatement. One minute he was standing beside Christopher Pike as his first officer and the next thing he knew they were awaiting the arrival of a new science officer. And it was—he was…Spock.

Oh, he had the beard now and looked rather sinister, really. Not nearly as refined and cultured as he once was, but more threatening, more…diabolical. Ten years had changed Spock. Had changed Jim for that matter.

Jim had not been surprised that Spock showed no sign in front of Pike as to their previous acquaintance. Of course, he had not either. Jim would never be so stupid around Pike.

He curled his hand around the dagger at his hip as his shadow came closer still. This particular corridor in this part of engineering was nearly deserted. Jim had only passed one crew member wearing overalls five minutes earlier. The man had stayed clear on the other side of the corridor, giving Jim plenty of space. Jim had been somewhat amused by the man’s caution.

Jim slowed his pace, figuring he might as well allow his pursuer to catch up to him. To catch him. His heart had sped up, beating hard in his chest. For all he knew, his pursuer had nefarious reasons for following him. But Jim did not think so.

Suddenly he was shoved through a doorway, landing hard against the bulkhead in a supply room as the door slid shut behind him and the lock was engaged with a soft click.

Jim reached for his dagger, prepared to fight, when Spock’s lips crushed over his, hard and demanding.

Jim gave up the fight immediately, moaning under the onslaught of Spock’s mouth as he pinned Jim’s hands above his head, grinding into him.

“Please,” Jim gasped.

“Please what?”

“I-I want—”

Jim’s breath hitched as Spock stepped back to yank Jim’s boots off. Next his pants were removed and then Spock was undoing his own trousers, before lifting Jim’s legs high in the air.

“Wrap them around me,” Spock said softly.

Jim obeyed instantly as Spock’s cock slipped inside him. He was grateful as before for that slick Vulcan lube. What an awesome species the Vulcans were.

Spock’s mouth found his again as he bent Jim almost in half. He thrust slow, easy, almost teasing. It was glorious.

It was a dance of love more than lust, as it always had been between them. Their tongues caressed each other, their breaths joined, their bodies became one.

But when Jim was lowered to the floor when it was over, he reached for the dagger that had been attached to his pants and with speed he was proud of, he had Spock pinned against the bulkhead, dagger at his throat.

Up shot the eyebrow.

“You think you can just come on to my ship and fuck me, just like that?” Jim asked, his voice low.

“I believe that the evidence I have done so is all over both of us.”

“You Vulcan bastard.”

“As my parents were married, that description does not apply.” Spock’s hand closed around Jim’s wrist and the dagger fell to the floor.

Jim blinked. It hadn’t even hurt and yet he was disarmed. “I never realized what tricky sons of bitches Vulcans were.”

“That description also does not apply to me as my mother was neither canine or a bitch.” Spock spoke coolly, without much inflection. “I believe you will be more comfortable with our discussion fully clothed.” He flicked his gaze to Jim’s discarded clothes even as he did up his trousers.

Jim frowned, but Spock was right. There was an extra element of vulnerability to being unclothed. He dressed quickly and reached for his phaser.

Which was not there.

“You are searching for this, perhaps?”  Spock held Jim’s phaser, which he twirled with a flourish before placing it hidden upon his person.

“Give that back.”

“Without assurance that you will not use it on me, my James, I am afraid I cannot.”

“I am not your James.”

“Indeed you are.”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “Why are you here? It’s too big a coincidence you would be the science officer on the Enterprise.”

“You are correct, it is not coincidence. I am here for you.”

“For me?” Jim scoffed.

Spock nodded. “To claim you as my mate.”

“Your-your what?” Jim shook his head. “You’re crazier than I am.”

“You are my t’hy’la, my chosen one.”

“You’ve used that word before. Ten years ago.”

“Yes. I knew it then. Unfortunately, circumstances prevented my claiming of you then.” Spock stepped into Jim’s space. Crowded him against the bulkhead. Alarm shot through Jim. He did not like being afraid. “I will not hurt you, ashayam. I would cut off my own arm first. Your tongue piercing is back.”

Jim blinked at the change in subject. “Yeah, so?” he said defiantly.

“You did not like it before.”

“Well, I’ve gotten used to it.”

Spock’s thumb brushed his lips and then entered his mouth before Jim could even guess what he intended. The pad of his thumb grazed over his piercing.

Jim pushed him away. “You take too many liberties.”

“As I said, you are mine.”

“And as I said, you can fuck off.” Jim scooted out from under Spock’s arms and away from the bulkhead.

Spock quirked a brow.

“Give me my phaser.” Jim held out his hand.

“You will shoot me.”

Jim smirked. “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But I can’t be without it for a number of reasons, the least of which Pike will punish me. I’m not in the mood for the booth today.”

Spock seemed to hesitate, then he pulled out Jim’s phaser and held it out to him.

Jim closed his fingers around it and shook his head. He turned it to stun and fired it at Spock, who crumpled to the floor.

Jim gazed down at the Vulcan. “Rule number one, Mr. Spock. Never trust me. See you around, Commander.”

Jim withdrew an elaborate dagger from Spock’s boot and departed the supply room with his new acquisition.  


	17. No One Knows What It's Like, You and Me, You and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Nitesky by Robot Koch

Spock woke to fingers stroking his beard. His whole body felt like it had been electrified and now it was a dull buzz.

“That’s the effects of the booth.”

 _Jim_.

“Not the best way to start your first day on the ship, babe,” Jim said softly. His fingers moved from Spock’s beard to the point of Spock’s right ear. Spock was lying on the bed of the quarters he had been given. “Was that your first time?”

Spock frowned. “Yes. I was in the booth?”

“Uh-huh. Pike didn’t like it when you were found unconscious in a supply room. It means you were easily handled.” Jim stroked the point of Spock’s ear. “He decided to show you in the worse possible way. You don’t remember?”

Spock blinked. “I do not.”

“You were pretty out of it after being stunned.”

“It was you who stunned me.”

Jim’s lips curved into a vaguely malicious smile. And yet it did nothing to remove the impossible beauty of his features. He was simply breathtaking, new scars and all, and Spock found it difficult to look away. “This isn’t Vulcan. You need to be careful here.”

“I had to be careful on Vulcan.” Spock sat up, but he was dizzy. “How long do the effects last?”

“It should fade soon,” Jim told him. “Next time you’ll be more prepared.”

Spock narrowed his eyes. “There will be no next time.”

“With Pike as Captain?” Jim shook his head. “You are falsely optimistic.”

“Negative. He will not harm either of us again.”

Jim’s smiled returned. A more genuine one. “Oh, baby, you’re so cute. You look like you actually believe that.”

Spock chose to ignore Jim’s flippancy. They had been separated for ten years. He would not realize what Spock was capable of.

 “Pike gives no quarter or second chances. You should remember that.”

“Yet you have survived your time with him.”

The malicious smile emerged. “Ah, but at what cost, Spock? Don’t you wonder?”

“Unfortunately, I know well the price you have paid.”

“No,” Jim said in a low voice. “You really have no idea. You might think you do, because of your Vulcan mind connection and all that telepathy shit you have going on, but I can assure you, that until you have faced it yourself, you don’t have a fucking clue.”

Spock lowered his gaze for a moment. And it was then that Jim shoved a holo pic in front of him.

“Who is this?”

Spock gazed down at the holo pic of Varen. The child had insisted Spock take it with him when he knew of Spock’s mission to retrieve Jim. “It is my son.”

His gaze rose and met the startled blue. But Jim’s eyes went carefully blank to the iciness Spock had encountered since coming onto the Enterprise.

“Then you bonded with a Vulcan female.”

Spock shook his head. “That was my father’s wish.”

“Your father was killed. And your mother.”

“You tell me as though I do not know myself,” Spock said sharply. “It was their very deaths that accounted for my inability to come back for you before Pike returned.”

“I never said I would go with you. In fact, I believe our ill-suited relationship was ended when you left.” Jim shook his head. “This boy is the product of your bond?”

Spock let out the tiniest of sighs. “I did not bond because I could not bond.”

“Could not?”

“I am bonded to you, James. T’Pring was the female my father wished me to bond with but that was not possible. We pretended to do so for both our sakes at the time. Varen was the product of a forced relationship between T’Pring and the Vulcan warrior, Stonn.”

“So he is a product of rape?”

Spock nodded. “He does not know. And will never know if I have anything to say about it. T’Pring did not survive the complications of Varen’s birth, however, it was arranged that it would appear to the Vulcans who attended her that the child had died. This was what she had arranged through me. I took the boy to be raised elsewhere.”

“And this Stonn?”

“He does not know Varen survived. Before he learns, I intend to end his life. But finding you was my priority over going after Stonn.”

“You really believe all this t’hy’la bullshit,” Jim scoffed.

“Yes. He sent it with me for you.”

“For me?” Jim narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“He is aware you are my mate, therefore, you are a parent to him.”

Jim snorted. “Right.”

Spock chose not to push that at present. “ You retrieved this out of my personal belongings.”

“I did, yes. But since I’m your Vulcan husband or whatever,” Jim said mockingly, “I guess I have free reign to do whatever I please, don’t I?”

Spock found himself shoved flat onto his back with Jim hovering over him, smiling wolfishly.

“So, what do you say, Science Officer, Spock? Shall I ride you?”

Spock swallowed heavily as his cock hardened even as Jim’s fingers tugged at the fastenings of his trousers. His mind was still fairly buzzing but he was uncertain if that was from the booth or the proximity of the man who was even now shoving his pants down his hips to his knees.

Jim made short work of his own boots and trousers before he was straddling Spock and shoving down on Spock’s erection. For a moment there was pain in those blue eyes and Spock stilled him with his grip on Jim’s hipbones. But it was fleeting and as it passed, he could sense nothing but lust and pleasure from his contact with Jim’s bare skin.

Spock rose up to meet him with a roar.

****

“Where are you going?” Jim asked, dazedly. He was curled naked in Spock’s bed, his eyelids only half-raised.

Spock had risen from the bed and was righting his clothing. He stroked his fingertips across Jim’s forehead, stopping at his temple, and then pulled the sheet and blanket up around his t’hy’la.

“I have business to attend with your captain.”

Jim licked his lips. “Business?”

“Do not concern yourself with it, ashayam. Sleep for now. I will wake you later.”

“Don’t wanna sleep.” Jim’s eyes drifted closed even as Spock continued to manipulate his t’hy’la's mind to it. He removed his hand when Jim had gone completely under. He leaned down to kiss Jim’s nose. Then he made sure he had his arsenal of weapons before he departed his quarters.


	18. Evil Departs Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Violence, mind intrusion and manipulation

Spock had killed before and he would likely kill again. He took no particular joy or pleasure from it nor did he feel a great deal of remorse. There was logic and justice to ending the life of those he did and he slept peacefully.

Christopher Pike, current Captain of the ISS Enterprise, had an extra ten years of life he should not have. Therefore, in particular he felt nothing about taking the man’s life, except perhaps…satisfaction.

He accessed the captain’s quarters after learning of Pike’s whereabouts elsewhere on the ship. He had an inside man who had reprogrammed Pike’s security measures so that Pike would not be able to know his quarters had been compromised.

So Spock waited. James would sleep for a while still. He had time to deal with his t’hy’la’s tormenter once and for all.

It was thirty minutes before Pike entered his cabin. He could not see Spock in his hiding place but Spock could see him. Pike was pulling off his various weapons and setting them on a table, then he began to undress. He pulled at his shirts and Spock approached him from behind.

His hand fell to Pike’s shoulder and he turned him abruptly to face Spock.

“Mr. Spock?” Pike’s face showed his confusion.

Spock wrapped his hand around Pike’s throat and lifted him from the floor and slammed him against the bulkhead. “Now you will know great pain.”

“What? Why?” Pike gasped.

“For all that you have done to my t’hy’la.” Spock put his other hand on the crown of Pike’s head. He pushed into Pike’s mind, invading.

Pike’s eyes grew wide and he began to struggle and scream.

“Do you feel it? The darkness? The doom? Such desolation. It is yours to feel. You will never know anything good. It is all dismay, decay.”

He tossed Pike across the room and he landed hard against the wall. Spock pursued him, even as Pike moaned and curled into a ball, his eyes staring ahead and unseeing. Spock put his hand on Pike’s head once more.

“Torment. Shame. Sorrow. You cannot escape. All of this…you gave to him. I give it back to you tenfold.”

Pike’s fingers rose to try to claw at his head.

“Puny human. Did you think I would let you live? I will crush your mind to nothing but a pulp, but first you must feel. You must know all there is to know about agony.”

He closed his other hand around Pike’s throat, squeezing.

“There are so many ways I could have done this. I considered selling you to the Klingons for their use. It would have been fitting retribution. Then there are the Gathoids who enjoy experimentation on various species. I could have thrown you into the Emperor’s prison, the darkest, deepest part where no one ever comes out again. But then you would be left alive, I assume so anyway, and that would be wholly unacceptable.”

He could feel Pike’s life waning. He was growing weaker and weaker. His heartbeat sluggish. His mind tormented beyond repair. He was likely even beyond understanding anything Spock said to him now.

Spock released his throat and moved his hand off Pike’s head. He pulled out Jim’s dagger.

“And this…this will kill you ultimately. A gift to my t’hy’la. He will be captain now. And you…” Spock pushed the dagger into Pike’s stomach. “You will be thrown out with the refuse.”

****

Jim stirred awake, for a moment only staring at the ceiling, trying to get his bearings. Then he recalled. He’d been with—

“Spock?”

He sat up. He was in Spock’s bed, in his quarters. Jim was alone.

He frowned and got up, dressing quickly. Jim was not sure how long he had slept but he felt rested. Good. Strong.

He picked up his PADD and saw he had a message from Captain Pike to come his quarters. Jim had his phaser but his dagger was missing.

“Damn it, Spock,” Jim growled.

He had to hurry. Pike’s summons had come a while ago and he would be pissed Jim was late.

Once to Pike’s quarters, he pressed the button outside for entry and the door slid open.

Jim stepped inside. “Yes, Captain, what—”

Pike lay on the floor, blood oozing out from a long wound all across his stomach. Jim’s own dagger was left there. Pike’s eyes stared straight ahead, blank, unseeing. He stood there staring at Pike’s body for what seemed like forever. No. Not true. Pike’s eyes showed abject terror that caused Jim’s own heart to speed up. His hand closed around his phaser.

Then Spock stepped out from the side room of Pike’s quarters.

“Good evening.”

Jim licked his lips. “You?”

“Indeed.” Spock nudged Pike with his boot. “He is dead.”

“Spock, why?” He met Spock’s gaze, saw the hard glint there.

“You know why.”

“You didn’t—”

“I did. He was hurting you,” Spock said quietly. “Had been hurting you for a long time. And you are…my t’hy’la.”

Spock took several steps toward Jim, who did not move, though he was almost tempted to flee. There was a predator quality to Spock right then that was frightening.

“I will not hurt you.” Spock’s fingers went to Jim’s mouth. “May I?”

Jim just stared at Spock as he gently pried Jim’s lips apart. Spock pulled out the piercing in Jim’s tongue quickly and without any pain. He threw it across the room.

“There will be no part of him in you,” Spock said soft and low, his hand caressing Jim’s cheek. "Nothing and no one will ever touch you again."    

“Spock,” he whispered.

“I should have killed him then.”

Spock’s arms came around Jim’s waist, pulling him close. “I have missed you.”

Jim closed his eyes. “I’ve missed you, too. I tried not to. It made me weak.”

“It does not,” Spock assured him. “You are captain now.”

His eyelids flew open. “Me?”

“Yes. All evidence will show that you are responsible for his death and you will be captain. I have no desire to captain this ship. I came only for you.”

Jim turned to look at Pike. “He’ll rot in Hell. If there is such a place.”

“He will be nothing but food for insects and bottom feeders, which is appropriate. There are some who likely think I should regret his fate, yet I do not.”

Jim’s chest burned. “He was a murderer and a rapist. He took pleasure in torture and pain. I should have had the guts to end him myself.”

“You are not like him, James. You never could be.” Spock ghosted his lips across Jim’s forehead. “Captain Kirk.”

He had thought, perhaps … someday. But now— “Thank you, Commander. How would you like to be my first officer?”

“It would be my honor.”


	19. A Captain and His First Officer

“Where have you been?”

Spock had expected the question, had even dreaded it to a certain extent, but when it came it still gave him pause.

Pike’s demise had been reported to the Empire and Jim had been officially named Captain of the ISS Enterprise. Pike’s former quarters had been gutted and cleaned and refurbished for Jim’s tastes and needs. It had all been done quite fast and efficiently. Most of the crew preferred Jim to Pike and were not at all displeased with the change.

Jim had been calm, cool, and methodical leading up to this point. Now they were alone in his new captain’s quarters and he had immediately turned on Spock to ask that very question. 

“You see I’m not as stupid as you seem to think.” Jim’s arms were crossed in front of his chest as he stared at Spock.

“I do not believe for one moment you are stupid, James.”

“Good. Because as it happens, I looked up that word even before you came back.”

“Word?”

“T’hy’la.” His pronunciation was perfect, as though he were Vulcan himself. “And if I am this revered bondmate then the fact you took ten years to come back to claim me is quite puzzling to say the least.”

“There were…complications.”

“Your parents’ death.”

“Murder,” Spock corrected. “And indeed that was the beginning of the complications. In spite of your assertion that our liaison was to end when I left you that last time, I had no intention of leaving you for any length of time. My intention was to come back for you and take you away from Pike.”

“The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”

“Indeed. I trusted someone I should not have. Upon the untimely deaths of my parents, I was whisked away to Vulcan before I was able to return to you.”

“You have had time to not bond with this T’Pring and to escape with her child who is now five years old,” Jim pointed out.

“I did attempt to send for you, but you had already left with Pike and he had taken you to the underground of Orion.”

“You attempted no rescue while I was there.”

“I did not,” Spock admitted. “I was not certain where you were and I was attempting to assist on Vulcan after the death of my father. I had others looking for you.”

“But not you.”

Spock’s throat burned. “No.”

“I see,” Jim said softly. “And then? After I became a part of the Empire’s military? Where were you then?”

“I wished to seek you out.”

Jim’s smile was coldly mocking. “You wished?”

“I had to deal with my brother’s betrayal. For it was he who had my parents murdered. And the care of Varen. My grandmother’s advice was to wait.”

“Your grandmother? You take orders from old ladies?”

Spock stiffened. “It was not like that.”

“In the meantime, you have allowed your supposed T’hy’la to suffer endlessly.”

“That was never my wish, James. Circumstances—”

“Circumstances?” Jim laughed. “You can read my thoughts, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then you surely know what I am thinking now.”

“I would rather not analyze your thoughts at present.”

“Because they are unpleasant?”

“You are tormented and for that I would spend an eternity cherishing you.”

Jim stepped away even as Spock attempted to get closer. “And if I don’t wish to be cherished?”

“You love me.”

“Do I?”

“I feel it.”

“Hate is not so very far from love, Spock.”

Spock took a step forward, shaking his head. “You do not hate me. You are angry and disappointed, but you do not hate me.”

“Perhaps not.” Jim licked his lips. “But anger? I am enraged.”

“T’hy’la, I have vanquished your tormentor,” Spock said, as he took hold of Jim’s arms. He was pleased when Jim did not attempt to move away. “If there are others, provide their names to me and I will end them.”

Jim searched Spock’s gaze, his eyes saturated blue. “Is it so easy for you to kill?”

“For you, yes,” Spock said simply. “I will never allow another to harm you while I draw breath.”

He rubbed his thumb along Jim’s lips, those lips, so beautiful. He lowered his own to taste them, humming with desire when Jim allowed the contact. One hand slipped to cup Jim’s ass, pulling him close so their hard ridges rubbed along each other.

Jim gasped. “You cannot vanquish my rage this way, Spock.”

“Perhaps not,” Spock admitted. “But I want you. Now.”

Without hesitation, Spock lifted his captain up into his arms and over to the enormous bed Jim had chosen for his quarters.

When bare skin touched bare skin, Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s face, joining their minds, as he pressed his cock into Jim.

“Spock,” Jim moaned, wrapping his legs around Spock’s waist, drawing him closer still and deeper inside him.

And Spock was lost.  


	20. There's Hope in This Admission

Jim glanced toward the door of his quarters but Spock had still not returned. He had sent his first officer to deal with a situation on the ship.

“Computer, locate Commander Spock.”

“Commander Spock is in engineering.”

Jim tapped his fingers on his desk. “Kirk to Spock.”

“Spock here.” An uncertain pause.  “Jim?”

“Captain, Commander. Call me Captain.” Jim spun around in his chair.

Another pause. “Yes, Captain?”

“How are things?”

“The situation is stable… _Captain_.”

Jim smirked. His ass was still sore from their earlier activities. He was sitting on a pillow. “How much longer?”

“Thirty minutes.”

“Oh?”

“Thirty two minutes four seconds.”

Jim calculated the possibilities. His mind running through the scenario. “Return here when you are finished.”

“Jim…Captain…T’hy’la?”

Jim clenched his fist, his fingernails digging into his flesh. “Don’t show weakness. They watch for that. Kirk out.”

His fingers flew on the keyboard, speedreading what was needed. Then he made contact.

The woman that appeared on his screen was clearly Vulcan. And quite old. Jim could not tell how old she was.

“James,” she said coolly.

“T’Pau,” he returned.

“Spock has told you about me,” she said carefully.

“He told me you prevented him from coming for me.”

“You are impetuous, young one. Had Spock found you too soon the consequences could have been dire.”

“Shoulda woulda coulda. Perhaps Spock listens to old crones. I am not impressed.”

Her gray eyebrows rose. “You are insolent.”

“Acknowledged. I wish to meet Varen.”

T’Pau gave a sharp nod and then spoke in Vulcan.

A young male Vulcan child appeared, his dark hair cut like Spock’s, his pointy ears poking up. Jim tried not to smile, but it was difficult for the boy, dressed in green robes, was cute.

“Varen, do you know who I am?”

Varen, eyes very serious, nodded.

“Who then?”

“You are with my sa-mekh.”

Jim nodded. “I am his husband.”

Varen cocked his head. “My dad.”

Jim smirked now. “Did your sa-mekh tell you that?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I guess that’s true.” Jim cocked his head in a pretty fair imitation of the boy. “How do you feel about that?”

“Feelings are not logical.”

Jim laughed at that. “You are so cute.”

“I find you somewhat appealing as well.”

“So I guess that means you _do_ accept me as your dad then?”

Varen nodded solemnly. “I have waited to make your acquaintance.”

“I only recently found out about your existence,” Jim replied, hearing the censure in his own tone. “Your sa-mekh and I will come there to see you.”

“I await you.”

“Let me talk to the old lady again.”

“She is my great grandmother,” Varen said somewhat imperiously.

Jim was not particularly repentant. “Yeah, her.”

T’Pau appeared once more on his screen. “James.”

He smirked. “T’Pau. We have to stop meeting like this.”

She shook her head, no doubt at his foolishness. “You wished an audience with me?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. Spock and I are coming there.” He paused. “Do your Vulcan voodoo. Is it dangerous?”

Jim was aware of Spock about to open his cabin door even before the doors swished open. He did not glance that way, knowing who it was. He felt Spock stand behind him at his desk.

“Grandmother,” Spock greeted her.

“Spock.” T’Pau looked thoughtful. “There is danger in all things, Captain Kirk. But you and Spock will make it here safely if you use caution.”

“All right. Kirk out.” He cut the transmission and swiveled in his chair to face his first officer and…husband. “That was a fast thirty two minutes four seconds.”

“It did not take as long as I had calculated.” Spock stood with his hands clenched behind his back. “I was unaware you knew how to contact Varen and T’Pau.”

“I’m full of surprises, Spock. You should be aware of that.”

“I am acclimating myself to that awareness. We are going there?”

Jim shrugged. “They are basically my family now, are they not?”

“ _We_ are,” Spock said pointedly.

Jim sighed. “The situation was handled?”

“Yes…Captain.”

Jim smiled. “And you ran into no trouble coming back here?”

Spock quirked a brow. He was leaning against the desk now, in front of Jim’s position on the chair. “No one would dare attack me.”

“You’d be surprised who would try things on this ship. Just be cautious. Just because you are all badass doesn’t mean you’re immune to attack.”

Spock’s gaze dropped to the pillow Jim was perched on. “Perhaps a visit to Dr. McCoy is in order.”

“No way. Bones is not getting his hands on my ass.”

“Point taken.” Spock reached for Jim’s hand and linked their fingers. “You have forgiven me?”

Jim shook his head. “Forgiven? You haven’t groveled and begged me for forgiveness nearly enough.”

“I will do whatever it takes to earn your love and trust.”

“Hmm. Right now? I could really use a massage.”

Spock nodded. “It will be my pleasure to serve you.”

Jim’s lips twitched. “Indeed.”

Spock pulled him gently to his feet and then led him to the bed. “Remove your clothing.”

Jim hesitated.

“I would rather cut off my arm than harm you,” Spock said softly. “You are my heart, my soul.”

“Those are pretty words.”

Spock took Jim’s hand and placed it on Spock’s face. “If you will but concentrate you will feel my sincerity.”

Jim licked his lips, let Spock’s thoughts, feelings seep into him.

“It will be easier to massage you without your clothes.”

“Yes, and as soon as I’m naked you’ll be all over me,” Jim pointed out.

Spock tilted his head. “It is true it will be difficult to resist you.” His hand went to Jim’s ass, squeezing. “But perhaps there are other ways to satisfy our sexual appetites.”

Jim arched his own brow. “Perhaps.” With a nod, he removed his clothes and lay on his stomach, naked, on the bed.   

Vulcan hands immediately went to his ass, massaging the cheeks. He heard Spock’s low growl.

“Hands higher, Commander. On my back.”

The hands on his ass stilled. “As you wish, Captain.” They slid up to his back, squeezing at Jim’s stiff muscles.

Jim closed his eyes. “That feels good.”

Spock’s hands stopped for a moment. Jim turned his head to look behind him. Spock was removing his clothes.

“Keep them on.”

“On?”

“Yes, it will be easier to keep your lust in check that way.”

Spock swallowed. “Very well.”

Jim chuckled. Spock began to massage him in earnest, murmuring in Vulcan as he did so. Pretty soon he was so relaxed he was falling asleep. And then—

Spock’s bare chest touched his back. His eyes flew open.

“Did you take off your clothes?”

“Yes.” Spock did not sound the least bit sorry either. Lips touched his ear, the roughness of Spock’s goatee skidding across his shoulder.

“You are insatiable.”

“It is you who bring it out in me, my t’hy’la. You are utter perfection.”

A hand slipped between his thighs and grasped his hardening cock.

“Fuck,” Jim breathed.

“I will worship you until the end of our days,” Spock promised. “I cherish thee.”

Jim’s fists clenched the sheets as Spock continued to stroke him. “Just-Just—ungh.”

Lips latched onto his throat, sucking a bruise there, and the Spock’s other hand came to rest on his face. Pleasure exploded in Jim’s mind, in his body shaking from the intensity as his cock leaked all over the bed.

“Yes, my beautiful captain. You are mine.”


	21. I'll Use You as a Focal Point, So I Don't Lose Sight of What I Want

“How long until we reach our destination, Mr. Chekov?”

“Two hours, thirty minutes, Keptin.”

Jim rose from his chair. “Great, notify me when we’re in orbit, Ensign.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim headed to the turbolift and just before he reached the doors—

“Captain, may I have a word with you?”

He stopped. “Yes, Lieutenant, what is it?”

Carol Marcus, an expert in weapons, lowered her voice. “I was hoping for a more private audience.”

Jim arched his brows. “Oh?”

She put her hand on his arm, one eye shining. The other was covered with a bejeweled patch. He had never asked her how she’d lost that eye. “There are certain ways to move up in rank that are beneficial to both of us.”

Just before he grabbed her hand, Jim was aware of Spock’s presence. Her surprised gaze flew up to Spock who removed her hand from Jim’s arm not at all gently.

“Be glad I only removed your hand from _his_ arm instead of your own,” Spock said coolly. “He has no need of your services, Lieutenant.”

She swallowed backing away. “Yes, Mr. Spock.”

Jim shook his head as she hurried away and turned back toward the turbolift. Spock entered behind him.

“I don’t need a bodyguard,” Jim said dryly.

“I disagree. Though you are a popular captain, even popular captains face mutiny and assassination.”

“Fine.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Not to my quarters, Spock,” Jim said with some amusement.

Spock stopped the turbolift. “There is more to my affection for you than physical satisfaction.”

Jim smirked. “Well, that would be new.”

“T’hy’la,” Spock said softly. “You and Varen are more important to me than anything.”

“Let’s hope you treat him better than you did me.”

Jim found himself against the bulkhead with Spock’s hand on his face, but his touch was gentle.

“I regret not coming for you earlier.”

“You listened to T’Pau.”

“Yes.” Spock hesitated. “If it will please you, I will destroy her.”

Jim searched Spock’s gaze. “You would kill your own grandmother?”

“For you…anything.”

“Sometimes you scare me,” Jim admitted.

“I will never hurt you. You matter above all others. Your needs matter more than any.”

“That’s a pretty tale anyway.”

Spock leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “I will spend the rest of my life in worship of you. I will vanquish all your enemies. I am the lionheart to your king.”

Jim closed his eyes, felt the probe of Spock in his mind. He opened and let him in, like the unlocking of a door, Spock was there.

Lips on his forehead, trailing down to his cheeks, then his chin, until finally his lips, the barest touch, a butterfly’s wings.

Then Spock pulled back, his mind slipping from Jim’s. “You were in prison on Orion.”

Jim’s gaze slid away, skittered across the turbolift. “I was, yes.”

“There you were—”

“Raped?” Jim whispered. “Yes. And many more atrocities. I survived. Without your help. Without your guidance.”

“You are the bravest, strongest man I have ever known. I am in awe of you. If you desire I will seek out every one of your enemies and—”

“And vanquish them. Yes, I know.”

Spock’s thumb entered his mouth, caressed his tongue. “The hole he made in you is healing.”

Jim swallowed. “Yeah, that one is.”

“James.” Spock pulled him close and held him, Jim allowed it. Perhaps this Vulcan really was his weakness. “Where were you going?”

“To the gym. I wanted to punch something. Sometimes, this anger—”

“I know, my beloved. If you would like, you may strike me.”

Jim shook his head. “I am angry at you, with you, but no. I can’t. In spite of everything, you are all I have.”

Spock kissed him. “James. K'hat'n'dlawa.”

He sighed against Spock. “Okay. Come, let’s go eat something together. I need something to give me strength to meet the old crone and your son.”

Spock restarted the turbolift. When they exited it on the floor of the mess, an officer, Marquette, waited with two guards.

Spock shot Marquette between the eyes before he couldn’t even speak. Jim knifed one of the guards in the stomach with his dagger and the other fell under Spock’s neck pinch.

Spock glanced at Jim. “As I said, you do indeed need a bodyguard.”

“It appears so.”   


	22. This Flower is Scorched

“All right, Scotty, I’m putting you in charge while I’m down on this planet.” Jim narrowed his eyes at Lieutenant Commander Scott, his Chief Engineer, as they stood in the transporter room.

“Aye, sir.” Scotty was behind the controls of the transporter.

“I want regular reports, too. Like, every couple of hours.”

“Aye, sir.”

“And if anything happens to my ship, I’ll…kill you.”

Scotty nodded. “I have no doubt of that, Captain.”

Jim nodded back and turned toward where Spock waited next to a couple of overnight bags.

“You sure about this, Jim?”

He turned toward Bones, who stood just to the left of Scotty. “Of course I’m sure.” Jim scowled. “Do you doubt me?”

“No, no. I just, you know.” Bones gestured toward Spock.

“I can see you, doctor,” Spock said in a low voice.

“I’m not trying to be subtle, you green-blooded—”

“It is a good thing because subtly is not your forte.”

“Bones,” Jim said with a sigh. “Let it go.”

“Hmm. Why don’t you yell at your hobgoblin while you’re at it.”

“I don’t have time for these petty squabbles. They’re waiting.” Jim offered Bones a smile. “Take care of my ship, would you?”

“You know I will. No one’s gonna mutiny while I’m on watch,” Bones assured him, smirking. He padded the areas of his body where he kept his numerous weapons.

Jim winked and turned back to Spock. “Ready, Commander?”

Spock arched a brow. “Indeed.”

Jim followed Spock up onto the transporter. “Scotty?”

“Yes, Captain. I checked it for malfunctions,” Scotty assured him.

“Tampering?”

“Aye.”

Jim nodded. “Energize.”

As his particles began to break up, Jim couldn’t help thinking he would never get used to that weird feeling of not quite being there.

He disguised his relief at reappearing in one piece only seconds later.

Standing there in the middle of the room they had been transported to was a small Vulcan boy. About five or six, the age Jim knew Varen to be. He was dressed in a rather somber brown and white robe. Behind the controls of the planet's own transporter was an old Vulcan male, at least judging by the numerous gray streaks in his hair.

Jim went immediately to the child and dropped down on his haunches. “You must be Varen.”

“That is correct,” the boy replied, his voice quiet and lilting. “And you must be—”

“James Tiberius Kirk.”

Varen arched a brow at that. “I prefer Dad.”

“Well, okay. Adopted. Of course.”

Varen nodded. “Of course. You look like a space pirate.”

“Yeah? You think so?”

Varen’s gaze swept over Jim’s scars, crisscrossed vest shirt, his gold sash, his numerous weapons, and then down to his knee-high boots. “Most definitely. I like it.”

Jim laughed. “Smart boy. Where’s the old lady?”

“My grandmother awaits you in the foyer.” Varen turned to Spock. “Greetings, Sa-Mekh. Your voyage to retrieve your t’hy’la was successful.”

"Indeed," Spock agreed.

Jim stood up, shook out his boots a little. “I gotta say, you’re all a little weird.”

“Are we not the same as other species you have run across?” Varen asked.

“Er, no,” Jim replied, exchanging a look with Spock. “But better.”

Varen nodded his agreement with that and turned toward the old Vulcan behind the controls. “This is my grandmother’s assistant, Sutok.”

Sutok did not acknowledge either Jim or Spock in anyway, so Jim chose not to acknowledge him. Instead he followed Spock and Varen from the room.

He was led to what he guessed was the “foyer” which was a large open room, with windows and doorways that had not glass or actual doors. A warm breeze came through the open windows. Above there was a ceiling, but it was made up of wooden panels as if they could be slid back to be removed and leave the ceiling open as well.

The old lady herself sat in a chair that Jim guessed was meant to be her throne, for she sat ramrod straight in it, and acted as though she were holding court. He barely withheld a derisive snort.

Jim walked right over to her, not bothering to stand on Vulcan ceremony, whatever that was.

“T’Pau.”

She looked him up and down. “James Tiberius.”

“Or should I just call you Granny now that we’re family and all?” Jim asked with a smile. He heard a tiny gasp from Varen.

“You are insolent to your elders,” T’Pau said coolly.

Jim shrugged. “They’ve always been insolent to me. Respect has to be earned. Don’t you agree?”

“Mm. I would have your thoughts.”

Jim laughed. “No offense, Granny. But I’m still using them.”

She pursed her lips and held up her hand. “Kneel.”

“Kneel? I’m not one of your servants, you know.”

“Do not be a brat, it is unbecoming.”

Jim had to admit she had the regal bearing down to a science. He shook his head at his own behavior and knelt before her.

“A meld?” he asked. “No offense but I don’t even meld that often with the big guy.”

T’Pau frowned. “Big guy?”

“Spock. Back there with the beard.” Jim smirked at Spock’s sigh.

She shook her head. “Always insolent. As a member of our family, as you so succinctly put it, we must share minds. It is our way. Spock and I share, Varen and I share. You and Spock share. You will also share with me and with Varen.”

Jim licked his lips. “Everybody’s just one big happy sharing family, huh?”

She gazed at him intently. “You have had a difficult life.”

“No more than most.”

“That is not exactly true,” T’Pau said gently. She raised her hand toward his face. “It will not harm you, James Tiberius.”

“It’s just Jim. Or James, if you have to. James Tiberius is like I’m in trouble or something.”

“Indeed, James Tiberius.”

Jim squirmed and then sighed. He glanced back behind him and noticed Spock had stepped closer so that he was only a few feet away.

“What do you fear?” T’Pau asked.

“Not everything is pleasant in my head.”

“There is little that can shock me.”

“Yeah, well. It shocks me.” He felt someone reaching for his hand to the left of him and when he glanced over he saw that it was Varen. He allowed the little boy’s fingers to wrap around his. Then he felt Spock’s hand on his shoulder. “You’re all ganging up on me.”

“You are ours to protect, to know, to cherish,” T’Pau explained. “We welcome you.” Her fingers spread across his cheek, to his psi points. “Do not be afraid, young one.”

All at once it was like they were all joined, they saw his memories, but he saw many of theirs. It was like dozens of threads intertwined, tightened and then expanded. He saw a tropical island, with the sea as blue as his eyes, mountains with falling snow and a deer with dark brown, gentle eyes, a sort of bear— sehlat—he learned—with eyes the exact shade as Spock’s, and then a desert oasis with trees and water and warmth, the sun shining bright.

Abruptly it ended and Jim was left gasping, though he felt Spock’s arms around him, holding him. He lifted his head to meet Spock’s gaze, his whole body filled with a sort of calm he had not felt in his entire life.

“That was all of us, wasn’t it?” he asked.

“Yes, t’hy’la.”

Jim looked around, realized it was just him and Spock now. “Where did they go?”

“They will return. They left to give us a private moment and to bring nourishment.”

“Did-did she bond us? All of us?”

“Affirmative. She gave us a family link.”

“How does that work?”

“It is different than the more intimate bond you and I share. You will not get their thoughts unless you are directly linked to them in a meld. But their presence will be a comfort. You will know if they are in danger as they will know the same from you.”

Jim blinked. “Wow.”

Spock put his hand on Jim’s cheek. “If this displeases you, I will have her sever it. I will not go against your wishes no matter if this is our way.”

“No. It doesn’t. I just…I’m a little surprised I wasn’t asked first.”

Spock nodded. “She did explain we would share minds."

"I thought she meant for just that moment."

"She suspected you would say no.”

He grimaced. “I probably would have. But this isn’t unpleasant.”

A noise alerted them to the return of Varen and T’Pau.

Varen rushed over to Jim, breathless. “You are well, Dad?”

Jim smiled. It was going to take some getting used to being called ‘Dad’. He was pretty sure he was no father figure. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

T’Pau met his gaze over Varen’s head. For the first time Jim saw kindness in her wise brown eyes. “Your pain is immense, James. But you are with those who care for you now.”

Yeah, maybe, Jim thought. For now anyway. Nothing good ever lasted. But he smiled anyway. For Varen’s benefit.


	23. Strip Away the Flesh and Bone

“Dad? Dad, are you out here?”

Jim wasn’t certain he was ever going to get used to a small Vulcan boy calling him ‘Dad’. Or any child, really.

“Dad?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” Jim was walking in the small garden that had been created by T’Pau and her assistant, Sutok.

He’d needed some peace away from the endless stares of the Vulcans who seemed to know him all too well.

But he should have known that peace wouldn’t last. In all his years, peace had never been his. Being allowed time to himself had never been granted.

Varen rounded the corner and came face to face with Jim in the mini-maze of the garden. “You are displeased.”

“Displeased?”

“That I have found you.”

Jim shook his head and smiled. “I thought you were _touch_ telepaths.”

“We are bonded as a family. I can feel your emotions when I concentrate.”

“Oh.” Jim crouched down next to a plant. “I’m not displeased exactly. I was hoping for some…quiet.”

“Do not touch that plant with your fingers,” Varen warned as Jim reached for the plant. “It is poisonous.”

Jim drew his hand back. “Why do you have poisonous plants?”

“For Sutok’s experiments,” Varen explained. “He uses gloves on that one. The touch of its leaves are not fatal but they can make you quite uncomfortable.”

Jim stood. “Are you really a child?”

“I beg your pardon?”

Jim sighed. “It’s just…you’re not like anyone I’ve ever known.”

“You have not known many positive beings in your life.”

He eyed the boy, then began to continue down the aisle of the garden with Varen following closely behind. 

“You do not like to speak of your childhood.”

“It was no fun.”

“Yes, I have seen many of your memories in the meld with grandmother.”

Jim stopped and turned to Varen. “Those memories aren’t appropriate for children.”

Varen tilted his head. “And yet you were a child yourself.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“It just is,” Jim insisted. “You should forget what you saw.”

Varen scrunched his eyebrows. “I do not know how.”

He sighed and crouched down to the Vulcan boy’s level. “Look, what happened to me, well, it was just the way it was. There’s nothing I can do to change it now. And there really wasn’t anything I could do then either.”

Varen stepped closer and before Jim could pull away he put his small hand on Jim’s face. “They hurt you,” he whispered.

Jim stared into Varen’s somber brown eyes for a long time. Then he lowered his gaze. “Not much.”

“That is a lie. You are sad.”

Jim shook his head, his gaze rising once more. “Not anymore.”

“You could stay here with us.”

“Us?”

“Grandmother and me. And Sutok. Sa-mekh would stay also.”

Jim tried not to let his heart ache at the hopeful tone in the boy’s voice. “Varen.”

“Grandmother says this planet is not the same as Vulcan. We were forced to leave there although no one ever tells me why.”

“Your Sa-mekh says it’s dangerous,” Jim replied. He didn’t know how much Varen should know about his true parentage, if anything. That was up to Spock and not to him.

“I like it here,” Varen said, his bottom lip trembling. “I have seen Vulcan in my research and I believe the foliage and temperature is more optimal here. You and Sa-mekh would like it too. I know you would.”

“I don’t know, Varen.”

His little hand was still on Jim’s face and he felt it shake against his skin. “You would find peace here. And the quiet. No one will hurt you here. Sa-mekh would protect you.” His voice wavered. “I would protect you.”

Jim stood again and turned his back to the boy. “Varen, I have a ship.”

“They could do without you.”

“I’m the captain, Varen. It took me a long time to get where I am. And a lot of work.”

“But you do not like killing.”

Jim turned to face his, his eyes widening. “Stay out of my head.”

“But it is true, Dad. I saw your mind, yes, but also your heart.”

“I-I’m not your—”

Varen’s eyes widened and he backed up a step.

Jim bit his lip. “That’s not what I meant. I just…the crew, they depend on me.”

“Then I will go on the ship with you.”

“What?” Jim laughed, though there was very little to find humor in. “No. It’s far too dangerous for you.”

“It is dangerous for you also,” Varen pointed out.

“I’m not a child, Varen. The Enterprise is no place for a boy.”

“You-you just want an excuse not to be with me,” Varen said softly. “First Sa-mekh left me here and now you intend to do the same. I thought when Sa-mekh found you, it would be different. That we could be a family. But it is all the same.”

Varen turned away and began walking back down the aisle toward the house.

“Varen.”

Jim clenched his eyes shut and turned away from the sight of the dejected boy leaving to go back to the house. Damn Spock, anyway.

“Varen, what is—?”

“Leave me alone,” Varen said to his Sa-mekh as he dashed past Spock and into the house.

“Jim? What is wrong with Varen?” Spock asked as he walked down the garden aisle. “Why is he upset?”

Jim turned on him, eyes narrowed. “He just learned people suck, that’s what. Everyone learns sooner or later.” Jim walked past Spock and up the aisle toward the house.  


	24. Where It Wasn't Supposed to Be

Spock went back inside the house, uncertain as to whether he should first talk to Varen or Jim.

Jim made the decision for him because he was waiting for him.

“Can I talk to you in private?” Jim asked. His voice was cold and harsh.

“Very well.”

Spock followed Jim into the room they had been given upon their arrival.  Jim turned and slammed the door shut and engaged the lock.

“I’m going back to the Enterprise.”

“Jim—”

“No! This is bullshit. You can’t do this to me, Spock. You can’t bring me here and give me an instant family and have some little boy rely on me. That’s not going to work for me. I’m nobody’s father.”

“Varen looks up to you, he admires you, and to him you are a father.”

Jim shook his head. “He barely knows me. He only feels that way because you have filled his head with all this fantasy crap about t’hy’la and meant to be.”

“You have a connection whether you will it or not. Would you really turn your back on him?”

“Yes, because I’m returning to the Enterprise and that is no place for a child.” Jim narrowed his eyes at Spock. “Do you ever intend to tell him the truth about his parentage?”

Spock hesitated, then shook his head. “We think it best to allow him to believe T’Pring and I were responsible for his birth. We do not wish Varen’s true father to know of his existence.  Stonn is dangerous. I still intend to go after him myself to remove the threat from Varen before it even begins.”

“And how do you propose to do that with Varen on the ship? He wants to come with us, Spock. He would prefer that we stay here with him.”

“That is not possible right now,” Spock replied.

“Are you going to tell him that? Because I tried and it didn’t go well.” Jim turned his back on Spock. “Why’d you bring me here? Why do you insist on torturing me?”   

 Spock swallowed heavily and laid his hands on the back of Jim’s shoulders.

“I want to have you with me. I wanted to have a family with you and Varen. Whether you believe it or not, you _are_ my t’hy’la.”

“I’m no one’s fated soulmate,” Jim said, his voice thick.

“Alas, for you, that is not true. You are mine. And I regret that you find me lacking. If there was any way to go back to the past and change anything I have done to contribute to your pain I would gladly do so.” Spock exhaled. “I wish only to cherish you for the rest of our days.”

“Spock.” Jim shook his head.

“You are my captain, you are my mate. If you truly wish to return to the Enterprise now I will not stop you. But Varen is my son. I am the only parent he has ever known. And I will not abandon him.”

Spock turned and left the room, determined to seek Varen out to comfort him. He could only imagine how the boy viewed Jim’s rejection of him.

T’Pau was coming out of Varen’s room when Spock reached it.

“How is he?”

“Quite upset,” she replied, coolly. “He does not understand the complexities of humans.”

“I am uncertain they fully understand themselves. I will speak to him.”

T’Pau put her hand on Spock’s arm. “Be gentle with him. He already has a deep fondness for James.”

“I know,” Spock assured her.

He found Varen sitting on the edge of his bed, hands neatly folded in front of him, staring at the floor. “Sa-mekh.”

Spock sat next to him. But he said nothing, deciding to wait for his son to speak what was on his mind first.

“Does Jim hate me?”

“No, he does  not. Not even close.”

“But he does not like me.” His forlorn little voice broke Spock’s heart.  “Did I try too hard? It is only that I have been hearing about him for so long and studying him. And then with our family bond…I did try too hard, did I not?”

“No, Sa-fu. You have to be patient with Jim. He does not know Vulcan ways for he has spent very little time with us. And because of his past he does not trust anyone.”

Varen looked at Spock. “Even you, Sa-mekh?”

“Especially me. I did not save him from what was happening to him when I should have. He has not forgiven me,” Spock told his son. “Someday I hope that he will, but I, too, must have patience.”

“Will he leave me?” Varen asked, his bottom lip trembling slightly.

“I have to,” Jim said from the doorway. When both Spock and Varen turned toward him, Jim walked fully into the room and then dropped to his haunches in front of Varen. “There are…things I have to do and you can’t be with me. With us.” Jim glanced at Spock. “It is our job to protect you and the Enterprise is not safe for you right now.”

“But—”

“It isn’t that we don’t want you there, Varen. But what we have to do, you can’t be a part of that.” He reached for Varen’s hands and held them in his. “You feel that? That’s my heart you feel. It’s yours. And our being gone, it won’t be forever, Varen. Or even that long. We’ll come back, your Sa-mekh and me. I wouldn’t want to leave you with just old sour puss. But I need your Sa-mekh’s help so I have to have him with me. You understand that, right?”

Varen slowly nodded.

Jim smiled. “But we don’t have to leave today. We’ll stay a bit and you and I will get to know each other, like we should.”

“If we are to be a family,” Varen said.

Jim shook his head. “No, we already are a family. But we can learn to be a better one. Okay?”

“I would like that very much, Jim.”

Jim raised both eyebrows.

Varen’s lips curved very slightly. “Dad.”


	25. So I Don't Lose Sight of What I Want

Jim peered out the door of the bedroom he’d been assigned with Spock in T’Pau’s house.

“T’hy’la?” Spock asked sleepily from the bed.

Jim waved his hands at him distractedly. 

“What are you doing?”

“Shh.”

Jim heard the rustle of the sheets and blankets and then Spock’s footsteps as he approached.

“What is it?”

“Be quiet you noisy Vulcan bastard,” Jim said with annoyance.

Spock merely pulled Jim away from the door and looked out himself. He ignored Jim’s huff of protest. He closed the door and looked back at Jim.

“Sutok?”

Jim nodded. “Not just an assistant I would say.”

Spock quirked a brow and rubbed his beard. “Why are you awake?”

“I heard a noise and got up to check. That’s when I saw Sutok sneaking into old sour puss’ room.”

“Jim.”

“What? Which part?”

Spock gave him an amused look. “The whole part. She is my grandmother and your grandmother by marriage. And Varen’s great-grandmother. You should show her some respect.”

“Blah blah blah.”

“And it is not appropriate to spy on the activities of others in the household.”

“He should be quieter if he doesn’t want me to know he’s banging the old lady.”

“Jim.”

“Is that all you got?” Jim poked him in the chest. “Whenever you disapprove that’s all you say. ‘Jim’. Like that’s supposed to stop me or something.”

“You are particularly bratty this evening.”

“Now that we’re awake, we should get busy.”

“Busy what?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “What do you think?” He pushed on Spock’s chest again, moving him toward the bed. Spock allowed himself to be pushed onto the bed on his back. Jim crawled on the bed and over Spock. “We may as well use this time where we won’t have some ship alert interrupting us.”

Spock watched him with hooded eyes as Jim reached for the ties at Spock’s pajama bottoms.

“How come you’re wearing bottoms anyway? Back on the ship you wear a robe. It’s easier to get into.”

“I thought pajamas would be more appropriate for our stay here.”

“Since when do you care about appropriate?”

Spock arched a brow again. “I strive for decorum at all times.”

“Really? Is that when you’re sticking your dick in me or when you’re slicing someone open?”

“Jim.”

He got the pajama bottoms loose enough that he could start sliding them off Spock. “Rise up. Yeah, like that.” He yanked them down off Spock’s ass and down his body to his knees, where he stopped. He smiled down at Spock’s growing erection.

“Should you not remove them all the way?”

“This is enough for my purposes.”

“Did you lock the door?’

“Huh?”

“I am certain you do not want our son to walk in.”

“Oh, fuck. I’m not used to having a kid. Jeez.” Jim got off the bed and went to the door, switching over the lock. Turning back toward Spock, he began to remove his own sleep clothes so that he was nude by the time he made it back to Spock. He stopped at the edge of the bed. “Did you take your pants off the rest of the way?”

“You can plainly see that I did.”

“Insolent Vulcan. I’m the captain, you know.”

“Of the ship, not of me,” Spock said loftily.

Jim narrowed his eyes and swooped down over Spock, straddling him. “You’re lucky there’s no booth here. I’d punish you.”

Spock shook his head.

“I wouldn’t?”

“No. You rarely put anyone in the booth, save yourself, and do not think I am unaware of your past activities, and me? You would not. For all your bluster, you love me.”

Jim stared down at Spock, his lover, his mate, his husband, he guessed. “I hate how smart you are.”

“Truly? For I love everything about you.”

“Everything? Not just this?” Jim plunged down on Spock’s erect cock, eliciting a low groan from his Vulcan.

“Everything,” Spock whispered, his hands moving up to grip Jim’s hipbones as he thrust up inside Jim. “I cannot deny, however, to being quite fond of this.”

Jim ground down on him. “You can still talk. Have to try harder.” He squeezed his muscles around Spock’s shaft. And was pleased when all Spock did was moan, his eyes rolling back in his head. “Much better.”

Spock’s eyes darkened as he fixed his gaze on Jim and his hand moved off Jim’s left hipbone to fist around Jim’s cock.

“Unnh,” Jim gasped as Spock smiled triumphantly.

****

“What was it like when you were a child?” Varen asked Jim as he held onto Jim’s hand as they took a walk past the house, past the gardens into other parts close by, a small forest near a pond.

“I was never a child,” Jim told him.

“Everyone is a child.”

“Okay, well.” Jim stopped in front of the pond and pulled Varen down to sit next to it with him. “But I wasn’t like…I didn’t have like a normal childhood. I didn’t get lessons or play games or any of that.”

“You did not go to a school?”

“Nope.”

“How is it you are so smart?”

“Self-taught mostly. And some others taught me. Like…Pike.”

“The man who took you from your parents.”

“They sold me, Varen. He didn’t take me.”

“I hate him.”

“Hate is a strong and powerful word.”

Varen nodded. “It is how I feel.”

“Well,” Jim said, picking up a stick and poking at the pond. “You shouldn’t waste your energy on a man like him. And anyway he’s gone for good.”

“Sa-mekh killed him.”

Jim glanced at Varen sharply. “How do you know that?”

“We melded, Dad.”

He winced. “Yeah. There were things you didn’t need to know. That’s one of them.”

“You and Sa-mekh are my parents. I wish to know all.”

“Some things aren’t appropriate for children. I didn’t really get to be a kid, but I would like for you to have that.”

“It is nice here,” Varen said, staring down into the pond. “The weather is pleasant. I have heard it is much hotter on Vulcan.”

“I’ve never been there but I’ve heard that too. Did you want to go there some day?”

“It would be nice to see,” Varen said, carefully. “But I would prefer to reside here or on your ship.”

Jim snorted. “Living on a ship isn’t all that great.”

“You like it.”

“Some aspects of it, yeah. But not all of it. And I have to be careful there.”

Varen frowned. “Careful?”

“Not everyone likes me, kiddo.”

“I find that hard to believe,” the boy said in all his innocence.

“You’re a good kid. I hope you never change.”

“Why would I?”

Jim sighed. “Lots of things can change you, Varen. Trusting the wrong person. Trusting no one. Having enemies. Having friends. Just don’t be too much of a hurry to go up there.” He pointed skyward.

“I only want to go there so that I can be with you and Sa-mekh.”

“I know. And someday…we will be together. I promise.” He studied Varen’s young face. “Do you believe that?”

Varen nodded. “Yes, Dad. I believe it.”

Jim smiled. He only hoped it was true.


	26. A Plan Set in Motion

“You know we have to go after him.”

Spock looked up from the Enterprise report he had just received from Lieutenant Sulu. “After who?”

“Stonn.”

“T’hy’la—”

“Oh no.” Jim was pacing. So much it was starting to give Spock a headache. “Don’t go using that t’hy’la stuff on me, buster.”

Spock held back a sigh. “It is not stuff. And I am not buster.”

“Says you.” Jim stopped for a moment and looked over Spock’s shoulder at his PADD. “What’s that?”

“An updated report as you asked for.”

“What does it say?” Jim resumed his pacing, his heavy boots sounding irritatingly loud on the floor.

“Mostly routine.”

“Mostly? What isn’t?”

“Ensign Rogers attacked Mr. Sulu. He had to be eliminated.”

“Rogers?”

“One of the security officers.”

Jim nodded. “Well?”

“Well what, Jim?”

“Stonn.”

“James, we should not look for trouble.”

Jim snorted, even as he stomped away from Spock. “Not look for trouble? He is trouble. And Varen will not be safe until the threat is removed.”

Spock set aside his PADD and steepled his fingers together. He took a moment to mourn the loss of the innocent Jim had once been. While it was true Jim had not even been truly innocent when Spock first met him all those years ago, he at least did not speak of removing threats and eliminating trouble. But while Spock wished for the old Jim just a little bit, he was content to have any version of Jim he could have. And anyway the Jim before him giving him a headache had been partly shaped by Spock.

“Stop that.”

“Stop what?” Spock asked.

“You’re all up in your head analyzing me. This bond of yours works both ways.”

“Bond of ours,” Spock automatically corrected him.

“Don’t distract me. Sure, it’s possible Stonn doesn’t realize Varen lives. I don’t believe that, though. I think somehow he does know and is biding his time. And even if he does not yet know, someday he will. Everyone has their price, Spock, even Vulcans. For instance, Sutok.”

Spock shook his head. “T’Pau would never trust someone who would betray us.”

“Even old crones like her are fallible.”

“James.”

“You know that doesn’t scare me. It just turns me on.”

“To what do you refer?”

“All that _James_ stuff. I think you do it to intimidate me or indicate I’m in trouble or something but all it does is make me hot.”

Spock eyed him, feeling his own arousal rise. “Who is distracting who now?”

Jim grinned. “You are totally easy.”

He nodded. “Back to your proposal.”

“Proposal? I’m not proposing anything. I’m the captain; you and the crew will do as I say. And if I say we’re going after that Vulcan bastard then we are.”

“Where do you intend to find him?”

“I know you have spies everywhere, baby. You can’t fool me.”

Spock tried to ignore another spike of desire at Jim’s endearment. It was not at all logical and yet Spock found himself quite turned on by any use of an endearment from his t’hy’la.

“I do have feelers out in some sectors,” Spock admitted.

“Feelers?” Jim rolled his eyes. “Well, put them out. Find out where he is. And then, we go after him.”

“Very well. Captain.”

Jim smiled. “And the other one too.”

“The other one?”

“Your brother, Sybok. He’s in prison, right?”

“Affirmative.”

“He killed your parents. Why let him live?”

“That is something I have struggled with for years. It is difficult to order the death of your own flesh and blood.”

“Then I’ll order it.”

“Not now. Not yet. Perhaps not ever. I do not know.”

Jim stared at him intently, coming to a stop in his pacing at last. “You seek to be merciful?”

“In the end, ashal-veh, what is left for men like us but our own humanity?”

Jim’s gaze dropped, then rose. “All right. You’ve convinced me to spare him. For now.”

There was a tap on the door, light and tentative.

“Come in, Varen,” Jim called.

Sure enough the boy opened the door and stepped in to their room. “I wondered if you would come for a walk with me.”

“Both of us?” Spock wondered. Ever since they arrived, Varen had been practically glued to Jim’s side and didn’t seem to want much to do with Spock.

Varen nodded. “Yes, if you are available, Sa-mekh.”

“He is,” Jim said at once. “And so am I. Let’s go.”

Varen’s dark eyes brightened though he resisted an outright smile. He did reach for each of their hands though as they left the bedroom.

As they passed the room where T’Pau sat going over notes, both Spock and Varen bowed to her while Jim waved and winked. She stared at them blankly.

“You really should not antagonize her so,” Spock said as they exited the house.

“She likes me.”

Varen agreed. “She does like him. She finds him a nuisance but she is also quite fond of him.”

“Something I share with her then,” Spock said.

Jim laughed.

“I want to be just like Dad when I get older,” Varen announced.

“Ha, just like me?”

Varen nodded.

“So, what? A Starship captain?”

“Yes. I would also like to be blond.”

Jim choked on his laughter. Spock arched a brow.

“What?” Varen said.

“I have never known a blond Vulcan,” Spock admitted.

“I would use dye.”

“Obviously,” Jim murmured. “I’d bet you’d look cute with your little pointy ears poking out from blond hair.”

Varen scrunched up his face. “I wish to look fierce.”

Spock eyed Jim. “You think he looks fierce?”

Jim narrowed his eyes at Spock.

“Fierce for a human,” Varen replied.

Spock nodded. “Perhaps.”

“I’m hungry. We should have packed a lunch or something. Gone on one of those picnics I hear regular families do.”

“Actually I did pack us a lunch.” Varen let go of their hands and revealed the bag he was carrying. “Sutok helped me. As you say, I thought we could find someplace to eat together.”

Jim flashed their son a stunning smile. “You’re a smart kid, Varen.”

Varen nodded solemnly. “I am a Vulcan.” As though that explained everything. Perhaps it did.

“Yes, you are.” Jim petted Varen’s head and the boy didn’t even seem to mind. “Let’s go find us a spot for that picnic.”

And as Spock watched them run ahead to find a place, he knew that perhaps Jim was right. He would do anything to keep them safe, and eliminating threats to their well-being was wise. He pulled out his communicator and set the search for Stonn in motion.  


	27. A Painful Parting

It was easier to ignore Varen the morning of their departure rather than deal with the sight of his big brown eyes trying not to look sad. And failing.

If it made Jim a coward he supposed it was not the first time someone could accuse him of such.

But if he spent time with Varen before they left, he was afraid the Vulcan boy would once more try to talk him into allowing him to accompany them on the Enterprise. And Jim was having more trouble denying Varen. Denying all Vulcans, really. He had a distinct soft spot for the pointy-eared bunch.

“James.”

Jim closed up his suitcase that he’d been fussing with on the bed. “Yeah?”

“It’s time, ashayam. The Enterprise is ready to beam us aboard,” Spock told him.

Spock stood in the doorway of the bedroom they’d shared during their visit with Varen and T’Pau. He’d showered and trimmed his beard so that it was neat and unbearably sexy again. Jim had an urge to devour him.

“There is no time,” Spock said, with no little amusement.

“You and that mind thing,” Jim replied. He picked up the suitcase and handed it to Spock when his Vulcan reached for it. “Is everything else prepared?”

“Yes, my angel.”

He snorted at that. “I’m nobody’s angel.”

“I must disagree.” Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s. “They are waiting.”

“The Enterprise?”

“No. Grandmother and Varen. To bid us farewell.”

“Do I have to?”

Spock arched an eyebrow. “You do not have to do anything you do not wish to, James.”

“That means yes.” Jim sighed. “Fine. But this sucks, just so you know.”

“I am aware.”

Spock grabbed his arm and led him from the room to the area where they’d first arrive when they were transported before. Sure enough T’Pau and Varen waited. Sutok was behind the controls.

Spock went immediately to his son, taking him aside and speaking to him in a low voice.

Jim turned to T’Pau. “Well.”

“You are troubled.”

“Yeah because an old lady is trying to analyze me.”

“Incorrigible to the last, I see,” she said. Her hand rose toward Jim’s face.

He frowned. “What now?”

“This is the way to say goodbye. And to ease your stress.”

“Says you.” But he allowed her fingers to spread over his face. It was like his whole psyche had been embraced, touched like butterfly wings. He blinked as her hand dropped away. “Not so bad.”

“I trust you will take care of my grandson.”

Jim nodded. “I will allow no harm to come to Spock.”

“Nor any harm to thyself.”

He smiled a little. “I cannot guarantee that, but I’ll try.”

Jim held her gaze for a long time, feeling his chest swell with emotion. Then he took a step forward and hugged her. She made an involuntary squeak of surprise but then her arms came around his back, pulling him closer.

He released her with surprising reluctance, then gave her a cocky grin. “I’ll come back and beat you at chess a couple hundred more times.”

“I am counting on it.”

He turned on his heels and changed positions with Spock, who now approached his grandmother.

As he knelt in front of the Vulcan boy he could see Varen was trying very hard to keep his expression stoic. Jim was pretty much struggling to do the same.

“So…yeah.”

Varen nodded.

“I’m not…very good with big emotional scenes,” Jim admitted. “I’d guess you’ve figured that out though.”

“I have,” Varen replied softly.

“And goodbyes, well, they’re the worst. Aren’t they?”

This time Varen said nothing, just stared solemnly at Jim.

Jim reached over and stroked his thumb across Varen’s cheek. “I’ll see you. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Jim dropped his hand from Varen’s face and down to Varen’s small hand. He wrapped his hand around the boy’s, and then squeezed.

“May I?” Varen’s other hand came up to touch Jim’s cheek. And he had expected him to do what T’Pau did, but instead he stroked his thumb across Jim’s cheek to mirror what Jim had done with him. “I will see you, okay?”

Jim swallowed, nodded. “Okay.”

He let go of Varen’s hand and stood. He turned away and went to stand next to where Spock stood.

Jim flipped open his communicator. “Energize.”

They reappeared on the Enterprise. The transporter chief saluted them and Jim and Spock saluted back.

Bones stood waiting beside the controls. “Well?”

Jim clapped him on the shoulder. “I’m going to need a drink later. You up for it?”

Bones grinned. “Always.”

“Is that a new scar I see?”

Bones shrugged. “There was a bit of trouble in sickbay.”

“Oh?”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle, of course.”

Jim nodded. “Casualties?”

“Just one. Carson.”

Jim raised his brows, then shook his head. He looked back to Spock. “Bridge?”

“Aye, Captain.”

They made their way up to the bridge, Bones coming with them. Scotty moved from his chair immediately.

“Status?”

“The coordinates Mr. Spock transmitted are ready, Captain,” Scotty advised. He hesitated. “Are you quite certain we want to go there?”

Jim took his seat. “Yes, why?”

“That’s a dangerous sector. Even for the Enterprise.”

“I know. We’re hunting a criminal.”

Scotty nodded. “As you wish then.”

“Warp factor five. Engage.”


	28. If That's Not Proof

Spock watched and waited for Jim to be released from the punishment booth. Though outwardly he remained calm, except for the twitch of his fingers he could not prevent, inside his emotions were in turmoil. He did not appreciate this aspect of his beloved at all.

Jim stepped out of the booth with a nod to the security officer. Sweat beaded on his forehead and for a moment the lines of pain refused to soften from the harshness of his face in the red lights from the booth. He leaned against the wall, catching his breath, then his gaze flicked to Spock.

“I thought you did not like to watch.”

“I do not. On the other hand, I must stand by to ascertain that it never goes to the point of no return.”

Jim nodded, rubbed his temples, and straightened from the wall. “I need a shower. Follow me?”

Sparing a final glance at the wretched booth, Spock fell into place beside his captain and t’hy’la as they headed down the corridor toward the turbolift.

“How far do you intend to push it?”

“I don’t yet know.”

“Until death?”

Jim pulled the lever. “Deck six.” The doors closed behind them.

“Where would the logic be in that, Spock?”

“I do not see the logic in your pursuit of torture and pain at all.”

The turbolift opened and Spock stopped his captain with a hand on his chest.

“Me first.”

Spock stepped out surveying the corridor around them. “It is safe.”

“The more pain I can endure,” Jim said as he left the turbolift and headed down the corridor with Spock close beside, “the more I am prepared to withstand enemy attack.”

Jim punched his code into their quarters, but then stepped back for Spock to enter first.

“It is safe.”

Jim stepped inside and locked the door behind them. “You have news?”

“We will reach the last known sector Stonn was spotted in forty-eight hours.”

“Great. The sooner we find that bastard the sooner the threat to Varen is extinguished.” Jim began to pull off his uniform shirt.

Spock swallowed the bile that rose into his throat at the welts appearing on Jim’s body. “If I ask you to forgo your self-punishment, would you do it, ashal-veh?”

Jim’s fingers paused at the fastening of his pants. “Is that what you’re doing?”

“You are already strong and fierce, my angel. You are feared and respected throughout the Empire. What do you need to prove?”

“Are you asking me to stop?” Jim asked softly.

“Yes. I would beg you if it would be successful.”

“Why does it bother you so?”

“You have been hurt too much by other hands, James, I would not see you hurt at your own.”

Jim stared at Spock for a long time and Spock began to suspect Jim would refuse and also that he was angry even to be asked, but finally, he nodded. “Very well. No more booth.”

Spock resisted the urge to declare if he had known it would be that easy he would have asked before. He suspected Jim would not appreciate it.

“Thank you, t’hy’la.”

Jim shook his head. He turned away and sat on the edge of the bed to remove his knee-high boots. “Shower with me?”

“I should, perhaps, return to the bridge,” Spock said with reluctance.

“Perhaps. But I would rather you shower with me. Leave Scotty in charge for the moment.”

Spock knelt before his captain and pushed Jim’s hands away so that he could remove Jim’s boots for him. “I am ever at your beck and call.”

Jim smiled at that. “If only that were true, baby.”

Spock quirked a brow. “You doubt me? I would do anything for you. Be anything for you. Your very slave.”

Jim’s breath hitched. “You are no slave, Spock.”

Spock pushed up on his knees to lean forward until their faces were mere inches apart. “I am not. But I worship you as no other.” He kissed Jim softly, with all the passion he felt for this human, who was strong and fragile all at the same time. He raised his hand to grasp Jim’s jaw in his as he deepened the kiss. “I would conquer the Empire on your behalf if you willed it.”

“I am hardly so ambitious,” Jim murmured, flicking his tongue out to trace Spock’s lips. “I am content with my small part of it.”

Spock closed his eyes as his tongue slipped into Jim’s mouth. He groaned in protest when Jim pulled away and stood up.

“The shower, my own,” Jim said. “You can ravish me there.”

Spock rose to his feet and began to remove his own clothes, following Jim into their large bathroom. Jim had also stripped out of his pants and now wore only a pair of snug gray boxer briefs. They might as well have been painted on his rounded ass. Spock’s mouth was watering.

Jim turned to look over his shoulder at Spock. “See something you like, Commander?”

“No. I see something I love. I crave. I must have.” Spock came up behind Jim as he stood next to the glass shower. He put his hands on Jim’s shoulders and kneaded there. He was well satisfied when his mate’s eyelids drifted closed, and arched his neck, leaning back into Spock.

“That feels amazing,” Jim whispered.

“You are tense, my angel. Is it from the booth?”

“The booth, Stonn, Varen. What else do you need, Spock?”

Spock kissed Jim’s bare shoulder. “I would relieve your stress, take on all your burdens.”

“How about you just fuck me?” Jim asked with a lascivious smile. He stripped out of his briefs.

“Believe me, we will engage in intercourse.” Spock leaned past him and opened the door to the shower. “After you, Captain.”

Jim stepped into the shower and turned the water on, adjusting the temperature as Spock finished stripping out of his own clothes. He stepped in after Jim, closing the door with a snap.

His mate’s head was bowed under the water spray. Spock approached wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist, plastering his chest to Jim’s muscular back.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” he whispered against Jim’s dampening skin.

Spock stepped back, reaching for the shampoo that lay on the shelf in the shower. He lifted the lid and briefly sniffed the green apple scent of Jim’s preferred shampoo. It was crisp, fresh, and so human. Just like his angel.

He squirted some from the bottle, then returned the container to the shelf before gently threading his shampoo covered fingers through Jim’s soft tresses.

Jim remained motionless as Spock cared for him, washed the sweat and soil from Jim’s hair. Rinsing the suds down the drain.

Spock then dropped to his knees behind Jim, parting his legs. Jim leaned against the shower wall, his hands bracing himself as Spock cupped Jim’s balls.

“Spock,” Jim moaned.

Spock leaned in close to Jim’s beautiful cheeks, parting them with his fingers. He felt the tremble of Jim’s legs, but he soothed his mate with a soft pet to one round mound. He flicked his tongue down the crease of Jim’s ass.

Jim released a long breath that turned into a groan.

He could not resist a small nip to Jim’s right cheek which earned him a whimper, just before he inserted his tongue into Jim’s hole. For a moment, Jim’s hands slipped on the tile wall, but he scrambled for purchase, spread his legs wider and pushed back against Spock’s invading tongue.

Spock gripped Jim’s ass and spread his cheeks wider still, pushing his tongue deeper, laving his mate’s entrance generously.

“Fuck,” Jim breathed.

He was certain he could worship his t’hy’la this way for perhaps hours, but Jim would have no patience to allow Spock that and his own hard cock together with his balls hung heavy between his legs, begging for release.

Giving Jim’s puckered hole a last few jabs with his tongue, Spock rose from the bottom of the shower, standing behind Jim, rubbing his erection along that perfect crease. Spock’s blood was on fire.

He placed his mouth on the back of Jim’s neck, sucking a bruise there and not caring if he marked Jim. Jim was his and he would gladly let anyone know.

“Are you going to play with me or fuck me?” Jim asked, his voice sounding strained and hoarse.

“Some of both,” Spock promised. He sunk his teeth into the cord of Jim’s neck, making Jim cry out.

Suddenly Jim turned around and slammed Spock against another wall of the shower, his lips crushing over Spock’s, his hands holding Spock’s above his head. He could easily break away but for now let Jim have his way, let him control what they were doing.

And oh, what Jim was doing. His mouth was devouring Spock’s, pressing against his with such burning intensity Spock might combust. Jim lowered one hand to grasp Spock’s shaft, his fingers curling around Spock’s length.

“Ahh,” Spock moaned out.

“Does that mean you like it, Mister Spock?”

“Yes.” His eyelids felt heavy, his skin flushed and too warm.

“What do you want?” Jim demanded against Spock’s mouth. He bit Spock’s bottom lip hard, but Spock relished, wanted it.

“Your love,” Spock replied. “I must have it. And I must hear the words.”

Those blue eyes were practically neon they were so potent, so saturated. Jim pulled back to look into Spock’s eyes and Spock could barely breathe.

“You are the only one I let see me in weak moments, as vulnerable,” Jim whispered. “If that’s not proof of who holds my heart I know not what is.”

Spock growled and lifted Jim up and away until he was against the shower wall in place of Spock, their faces touching, their breaths mingled. “Parted and never parted. Never and always touching and touched.”

Jim shifted and then hiked his legs up and around Spock’s waist. “Take me.”

Spock needed no further urging as his lubricated cock pushed inside Jim. He raised his hand toward Jim’s face. Was gratified when Jim nodded his permission.

He dropped his free hand between them and wrapped it around Jim’s leaking cock, sliding his slick fingers down over the soft steel of Jim’s shaft.

Jim mewled and bucked, his eyes glazing over, his breath short. “Spock-Spock-Spock.”

Spock pounded hard and deep, pushing into his mate until there was nothing that could separate them. Their minds, their bodies were one and…together.   

“Ashal-veh,” Spock cried out, plunging in again and again as Jim’s muscles clenched and spasmed around him. It drove him near to madness. A place he would willingly go if this human joined him.  His body thrummed, his blood boiled, he leaned close to crush his lips to Jim’s as his cock poured his release inside his t’hy’la. Jim mewled against Spock’s mouth as he thrashed and arched as Spock’s hand brought him to fulfillment.

He slowly lowered Jim back to the floor of the shower, softly kissing his lips, his cheeks, his ears. Grabbing the soap, he finished washing Jim and then helped him from the shower, wrapping a large dark blue towel around him.

“Come.” He took Jim’s hand and led him back into their quarters. Gently he pushed him to sit on the edge of their bed. Spock knelt before his captain. “Now, I am going to get you something to eat, then I will massage ointment into all your muscles and welts and then you will sleep.”

“Spock, I don’t need a daddy.”

Spock smirked at that. “Don’t you?”

Jim flushed scarlet.

“Hush, my angel. I want to take care of you. I have already told you this.” Spock took Jim’s hands in his. Kissed the fingers. “Will you allow me this?”

Jim stared at him intently. “Are you all right?”

“Why do you ask?”

“You’re shaking. I feel your vibrations. And your mind…you are anxious.” Jim leaned forward until he was pressed close against Spock. “What is it?”

Spock shook his head.

“Tell me. I will make it an order.”

Spock swallowed. “I fear losing you, t’hy’la. It will destroy me.”

“I’m here, Spock. You haven’t lost me.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I know.”

Jim kissed his forehead. “Perhaps it is I who should take care of you.”

“No, my beloved. Allow me this. Please.”

Jim sighed softly. “Very well. You may do as you wish.”

Spock pulled him tight against him. He could survive anything as long as he had Jim.


	29. I Think of How to Change Myself

One could not sneak up on Jim. It had been years since anyone had even tried. Even with his back exposed as he looked out at the expanse of stars before him, he knew of the quiet approach. He did not put his hand on his dagger or phaser. There were few he completely trusted. And only two on the Enterprise. This was one of them.

“Are you sure about this, Jim?”

“No,” he admitted. “It could go catastrophically wrong, Bones. But I’m committed.”

“Are you?” Bones stood beside him, armed to the teeth, Jim noted. “You can call it off if you want. Spock would do it.”

“This is for Varen, his son.”

“His son? Don’t you mean Stonn’s son?”

Jim snorted. “Contributing sperm does not make one a father. Spock is the only one Varen has known.”

“Except you now.”

“Maybe,” Jim said softly. “I don’t know anything about being a father. What I’ve known of my own was horrific. It was never my intention to inflict myself on a child. But what I can do is see that Stonn can never harm him.”

“You don’t want him to ever know the pain that you did,” Bones guessed.

“You know what haunts my head. No one as good as Varen deserves to know that.”

Bones gave a small shrug. “Perhaps. But getting rid of Stonn is no guarantee Varen will have the life you didn’t.”

“I know. Perhaps a better chance then.”

Bones touched Jim’s shoulder. “You are better than this world surely deserves, my friend.”

Jim turned to face him. “You’ll be ready for any injuries?”

“Always. Though I hope there are none to face.” Bones studied him silently for a few minutes. “Why go after Stonn now when he’s shown no indication he’s an imminent threat to the boy?”

“I refuse to sit back and wait for something to happen, Bones. All my life I reacted to what was done to me. It’s time to act instead of react. And my gut tells me Stonn is a matter of time. When he feels he can use Varen to gain the upper hand he will.”

“But doesn’t Stonn believe the boy died in childbirth?”

“Perhaps. And perhaps even Vulcans can be bought. I say he knows. I trust very few, Bones.” Jim searched his friend’s eyes. “I need you, Bones. On my side.”

“I’m always on your side,” Bones promised.

Jim smiled. “Excellent. Now, I need to get ready.”

Bones' grip tightened on Jim’s shoulder. “No booth.”

He shook his head. “I already promised that to Spock.”

“Oh, so you listen to the hobgoblin but not your doctor.”

Jim nodded but grinned. “Pretty much. He can kick my ass. You can’t.”

Bones snorted. “Point.”

“Come on. Let’s go have a drink.”

“Now you’re talking.”

****

“There is still time to change your mind.”

Jim looked up from stuffing another dagger into the belt at his waist. “I’m not changing my mind, Commander.”

“It is only that—”

His blood turned to ice. He stepped close to Spock. “I do not need to be babied.”

Spock straightened. “That is not what I am doing.”

“Isn’t it? You may be my husband or bondmate, whatever. But I am still your captain and I will brook no insubordination even from you.”

“Insubordination was not my intent. I am concerned for you,” Spock spoke quietly so no one else would hear.

“Well, don’t be.”

“You cannot command me not to love you, Captain.” Spock’s voice had a hard edge to it.

“Just…watch my back.”

“Always.”

Jim nodded. “And I’ll watch yours.”

Spock touched his fingers to Jim and Jim let his eyes soften as he gazed at Spock. “I will protect you with my life, adun.”

Jim’s lips curved. “See that it doesn’t come to that, sweet one.”

He turned now and adjusted his numerous weapons, aware of Spock doing the same beside him.

Then they stepped toward the transporter.

“Captain?”

“Yes, Giotto?” Jim asked as he stepped on the transporter.

“I have ten security officers on standby. They can be here in mere seconds.”

He shook his head. “The more who beam down on the planet, the more warning Stonn will have. Wait for my signal before sending anyone else. Is that understood, Lieutenant Commander?”

Giotto nodded. “Very well understood, sir.”

“Energize.”

****

The fighting was over, mostly.

Between himself and Spock they had eliminated all but two guards posted in front of the Vulcan temple where Stonn currently used for refuge.

It was an ancient place, sacred according to Spock. Though it was not on Vulcan proper, it was on another planet many Vulcans had earlier colonized during civil war on Vulcan hundreds of years before either Jim or Spock’s time.

When they had learned of Stonn’s location, Jim had wondered if Spock would find it dismaying for the battlefield to be in such a place, but Spock assured him he held no sentimentality toward it.

Jim was not unscathed as he stood waiting to make his next move. He had a slash across his face, that though it had mostly stopped bleeding, stung like a son of a bitch. He might have yet another scar when this was over. The knuckles on his right hand were raw, cracked and bleeding. He tasted his own blood and he was fairly certain he had more than one loose tooth. His left ankle throbbed like it had been set afire and left to smolder after the fire had been put out.

But he was standing still. They hadn’t gotten the best of James T. Kirk.

He glanced over to where Spock stood, waiting for his direction. They did not know who else was inside the temple besides Stonn. According to scans from the Enterprise there were yet five life signs in the area besides himself and Spock. Which seemed to indicate there were two others in the temple with Stonn. But Jim had to be ready for anything.

“Right or left?” Jim asked, not out loud but through their bond. He could tell Spock was pleased with the communication.

The Vulcan on the left was thicker and more muscular so Jim was unsurprised when Spock picked left.

Jim nodded his agreement and they sprang into action. They didn’t want to alert Stonn too much to their arrival, though he was certain Stonn would already know they were on the planet, so they circled around on the guards.

Jim watched as Spock squeezed the neck of the guard on the left and he fell easily to the ground.

_Bastard._

“Shall I take care of yours too, t’hy’la?” Spock asked through the bond.

Jim wrapped his arm around the man’s neck and put a dagger to his throat, slicing across. He dropped the man to the ground.

“No need.” Jim went to the other guard and nudged him with his foot. “Unconscious?”

Spock arched a brow. “Permanently.”

Jim was not jealous of Spock’s abilities. Much. He pulled out his phaser and went to the temple doors. His pulse pounded hard, his heart felt like it might burst through his chest.

But he was not afraid. And he was doing this. For Varen. For Spock.

For them.

Jim pushed open the door, ready to fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not good at action scenes


	30. A Kind Fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depictions of violence

As long as Jim lived, which might not be that long if he thought about it, he would remember the sight of Stonn waiting for their attack.

He had been expecting a fierce Vulcan warrior, much like those he had already encountered, and indeed who were in the sanctuary with Stonn. But he had hardly any time to react to the sight of the Vulcan seated in wheelchair at the top of the room for he and Spock were immediately set upon by Stonn’s guards.

Stonn had clearly saved his best soldiers for last, to protect him, for Jim was immediately pinned to the ground by a Vulcan far too strong for him to overtake. A knee was placed in his chest, pressing him down so forcefully that Jim’s vision blurred and his lungs felt immediate, excruciating pain. He would not be at all surprised to learn a rib had been popped.

His gun fell uselessly to the ground and was moved out of his reach even as he tried to grasp for it.

So he was going to die here after all. Spock probably too. And Varen would be left with naught but an old frail Vulcan to protect him from all that was wrong with this universe, this empire.

Part of him would welcome death. He’d lived too long tormented by actions in his life he could not seem to prevent. And yet even as his lungs burned from lack of oxygen, as spots appeared before his eyes, Jim struggled against the Vulcan who would ultimately end his life.

He raised his hands up to his murderer’s face, deciding that if he would die, he would surely maim the one responsible beforehand. Strange how he could hear nothing around him, no battle sounds, no words, no gasps. Just silence as he reached for his assailant’s eyes with his thumbs.

The Vulcan cried out as Jim gouged his eyes, digging his nails in. He tried not to think about the soft give of the eyeballs as he continued to press forward, tried not to let the horror creep up his spine, reminding himself, as he often had to do, it was either him or his assailant.

Finally the Vulcan let go and moved off him, allowing Jim to suck in a much needed gasp of air, even as it hurt to do so. He tried not to think overmuch on that either. He hoped he didn’t have a collapsed lung as well as a cracked rib.

He scrambled quickly to his phaser, his fingers just closing around the butt when the Vulcan’s hands grabbed him around his ankles. Jim groaned in agony as he twisted his already fucked up ankle. He was pulled down, across the floor, moving ever closer to the Vulcan. Jim had barely enough time to notice the green blood streaming from his eyes when the man raised an arm and whacked Jim’s knee.

“Fuck,” Jim gasped as pain radiated up from his knee and into his groin. “Son of a bitch.”

He swung the phaser around and aimed at the Vulcan’s head just as he was preparing to strike Jim again. He fired and quickly scooted out of the way as the mangled Vulcan fell to the ground dead.

For a moment his vision swam and the room was nothing but a blur.

_Spock._

Grimacing against the pain, Jim forced himself to his feet, searching the room for Spock and the other Vulcan guard. They were pummeling each other but Spock appeared to be getting the better of the other Vulcan. Jim could see from where he stood that both men were covered in blood and he couldn’t fail to notice a lot of wounds on Spock. He tried not to become too alarmed.

He took aim with his phaser but it was difficult not to shoot Spock instead of the other one. He sucked in a pained breath when Spock fell with a hard thud and the other Vulcan straddled Spock, hands going around Spock’s neck to squeeze.

Stonn made a sound that drew Jim’s attention to him and he realized Stonn was attempting to escape out another door in the back of the sanctuary.

“Shit!”

Jim fired at the Vulcan choking Spock and then turned to run after Stonn, just reaching the door before Stonn in his wheelchair did.

“Not so fast,” Jim said.

Stonn held both of his hands up. “I am unarmed. And in a sacred place. You dare to attack me here.”

“What happened to you?” Jim demanded.

“A battle injury. Do you imagine you are the first to pursue me…Captain Kirk?”

“Then you know who I am.”

“I know. And I know of Spock.”

Jim stared hard at him. “Are your injuries permanent?”

“Uncertain.”

“Do you know why I am here?”

Stonn smirked. “You come to protect my son. Or so you imagine. My son needs no protection from me.”

“Then you do know about it.”

“You think that bitch, T’Pring, could hide anything from me? I know exactly where Varen is. When the time comes he will join with me and we will rule Vulcan. Perhaps the Empire itself.”

“Varen will not. He is good.”

“We shall see.” Stonn cocked his head. “Will you have no honor then and kill an unarmed Vulcan in a wheelchair with nothing or no one to protect him? Is that truly what you have become, Kirk, through your association with the Empire?”

“You know nothing about me,” Jim whispered.

“Do I not? The Empire breeds hostility and anger in their minions. I know of their agony booths, their assassinations. Their…rapes.” Stonn paused, giving Jim a knowing look. “There is no one you can truly trust. Even your lover is likely to betray you for the right price. There is no peace, no solitude, anywhere within their ranks. Even a great respected captain such as yourself must constantly expect betrayal. And so…yes. There is no honor there. I expect you are just like all of them, Captain Kirk. I see your eyes, Kirk. I see the hardness, the bitterness, the absolute desolation of your very katra. If there ever was humanity in you it was beaten and raped out of you long ago. Do you not think so?”

Jim shook his head. “You don’t know me at all, Stonn. There is a boy out there, who right or wrong, has some fondness for me. And I will not betray him with dishonor. He trusts me. And you’re right, I don’t get that a lot. So today…you live. But you will never get your hands on Varen. I will kill you if you come anywhere near him.”

Stonn just stared at him, his dark eyes blank.

Jim stepped around his chair and walked away, intent on checking on Spock. The Vulcan who attacked him lay dead beside his mate. Jim’s hand closed on his dagger as he walked away. He’d made it several feet away from Stonn.

“James!” Spock shouted.

Jim turned quickly, dropping to his knees and throwing his dagger at Stonn at the same time a phaser blast went sailing over his head and exploding into the wall. The dagger pierced Stonn’s throat. Jim watched as Stonn sagged forward, blood gurgling from his mouth.

“Gah!” Jim yelled, pounding on the floor in his rage, in his despair. Another life.

He stood from his aching legs, ignoring the agony of his ankle and the stitch in his side that had grown worse. He had dried blood everywhere. His hair caked with it. His lips cracked and bleeding. Every breath burning.

He made his way to Spock who lay hardly moving on his back. Jim took in Spock’s injuries, his eyes beginning to sting with tears that joined the streaks of blood and dirt on his face. Spock’s left leg was mangled and there was a side wound that was oozing blood, thankfully from the opposite side of his heart, but still. There was so much.

Spock stared at him, eyes glazed. “You must return to the ship, my angel.”

“Not without you.”

“I do not think—”

“Be quiet, you stupid Vulcan.” Jim took out his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise.” He stared at it. “No signal.”

“It is the sanctuary. It blocks it. You must go outside to call for them to beam up.”

“Okay, but you are coming with me.”

Spock shook his head weakly. “I cannot even walk. You must leave me.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“James. You must go. I am…dying. Stonn likely called for help before his demise and others will be coming. You are injured and cannot fight them all off. There is no time. Go outside and return to the ship.”

“I’m not going without you, Spock, Goddamn it. If you die here, so do I.” Jim picked up Spock’s phaser which lay nearby and held it to his head. “We die together then.”

“No, t’hy’la. Think of Varen. You cannot leave him without either of us. He is counting on you.” Spock reached desperately toward Jim’s arm. “Please, do not.”

“Don’t fucking put that burden on me,” Jim said through gritted teeth.

“Ashayam.”

Jim clenched his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

“You can,” Spock whispered weakly. “You must.”

He opened his eyes, his vision blocked by too many tears. “No. You’re coming with me. I’ve waited my whole damn life to have love, to have a family, and you can’t do this to me now.”

“T’hy’la—”

“Shut up.” Jim stuffed his communicator back into his belt. “I’m carrying you out of here.”

“I am too heavy.”

“I thought I told you to shut up.”

“James—”

Jim ignored his feeble protests and hooked Spock’s arms around his neck and bent to lift him up and over Jim’s shoulders. “Goddamn, you’re heavy.”

“You must leave me.”

Jim staggered under the weight, his ankle protesting the added weight until Jim was surprised it didn’t snap right in half. He saw stars before his eyes and bit down on his lip so hard he tasted blood.

“Okay,” he said out loud, though he noticed Spock’s breathing had become more labored, his heartbeat in his side very slow and sluggish. Jim refused to focus on that. 

And he refused to focus on the amount of steps it would take to the exit. At the moment it seemed miles away.

With each beleaguered step it seemed to get farther away, not closer, but Jim staggered on, stumbling more than once, almost dropping Spock.

Spock was right. He wasn’t going to make it. Spock was going to die and Jim wasn’t going to be able to save him. Save them. Varen would be orphaned and have only the old sourpuss to take care of him.

He took several more steps, feeling weaker with each one, but continuing on. When he reached the door, he almost fell to his knees and dropped Spock, but he stumbled into it, sucking in a breath at the impact to his shoulder. Somehow, a miracle maybe, he got the door open and he made it outside into the blazing hot sun.

He took the steps down from the sanctuary, laid Spock down carefully on the ground, refusing to look at his horrible distorted left leg. He pulled out his communicator.

“Kirk to Enterprise.”

“Scott here, Captain.”

He was almost dizzy with relief. “Beam us up now, Scotty.”

“Locking onto your coordinates.”

Jim felt the familiar lightheadedness as the transporter activated.

“Jim!” Bones exclaimed as soon as they materialized.

“Bones,  get Spock to the medbay now. It’s bad.”

Two medical orderlies moved forward and took Spock from him. Jim staggered off the pad.

“You, too, Jim. Fuck, it’s amazing you’re still standing.”

Jim was helped onto a gurney. He smiled faintly. “Had to save Spock.”

“Yeah, yeah, just—“ Bones shoved a hypospray into Jim’s neck and as he began to lose consciousness Jim thought about how Stonn had been wrong. There were those he could trust. His family.

****

“Hey baby.”

Jim smiled when the chocolate brown eyes opened and stared at him.

“Jim?”

His smile widened. “It’s me. You’re finally awake and out of that trance.”

“Where?”

“Right now we’re in a hospital on Terra. A private one. But don’t worry, Bones is taking good care of you.”

Spock blinked. “And you?”

“I’m fine, sweetheart.” Jim ran a finger across a scar on his cheek. “Got a new scar though. I think it suits me.”

“The Enterprise?”

“Safely docked and guarded. You don’t have to worry.” Jim held Spock’s hand. “How do you feel?”

“A little…groggy? And surprised.”

“Surprised?”

“That I am alive,” Spock admitted.

“Yes, you decided you were dying. I decided you were not.”

Spock stared at him, brown eyes intense. “I owe you my life.”

Jim grinned. “I know. I’ll try not to lord it over you. Much.”

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered reverently. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“Oh, yeah, you’d better cherish me.” Jim winked. Then his smile faded and he grasped Spock’s hand tighter. “Spock, there is something.”

“What is it, angel?”

Jim licked his lips, swallowed heavily. “Your leg. The left one. They couldn’t save it below the knee.”

Spock lifted up with Jim’s help and looked down at his left leg. His expression didn’t change as he once more lay down.

“It was too badly mangled, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”

“A small price to pay perhaps,” Spock said softly.

“Bones and the other doctors are already working on your prosthetic.”

Spock nodded. “It will be an adjustment.”

“Yes, but we’ll all help you. Me especially.” Jim sighed. “There is more.”

“I am not certain I wish to hear it.”

“Probably not,” Jim agreed.

“What, James?”

“Sybok has escaped his prison. As did several other inmates. At present his whereabouts are unknown.”

Spock’s jaw clenched. “I see.”

“I’m sorry.” Jim looked away. “The guards attending them were executed for incompetence.”

“More deaths at the hands of Sybok.”

Jim returned his gaze to Spock. “I will protect you with my life.”

“And I you, my angel.”

Jim leaned down to kiss him. Then he straightened. “I do have a surprise for you.”

“I hope a pleasant one,” Spock murmured with his eyebrow quirked.

“Indeed. Be right back.”

Jim left Spock’s hospital room and went into the corridor. He turned toward the waiting room.

Varen sat next to T’Pau as they sat looking at a PADD. As soon as he saw Jim, Varen handed the PADD to T’Pau and stood up.

“Dad?”

Jim bent down and opened his arms. Varen moved into them quickly. “Heya, sport.”

Varen clutched him tightly. “Sa-mekh?”

“He’s awake and can’t wait to see you.”

“I wish to see him also.”

Jim smiled and ruffled Varen’s—his son’s—hair. He felt the boy’s concern through their familial link, which was weird, but real. “He’s going to be fine.”

“And you? You are fine too?” Varen pulled back to stare at Jim, his little fingers smoothing over the new scar on Jim’s face.

“I am now that I have my family with me,” Jim assured him, with a quick smile in T’Pau’s direction. Then he re-focused on Varen. “Listen, sport, before I take you into see your Sa-mekh, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

“Sa-mekh lost part of his leg from the battle he and I were involved in. He’s going to get a new leg, so it will be all right, but for how his left leg is gone below the knee. It’s going to be all right, Varen, so I don’t want you to freak out.”

He felt Varen tremble a little, but he nodded.

“I will not, Dad. Vulcans do not ‘freak out’.”

He smiled. “Good. So, are you ready?”

Varen nodded enthusiastically.

Jim looked to T’Pau. “You coming?”

“Of course, James.”

His other two Vulcan family members followed him down the corridor and to the hospital room of his Vulcan husband. Ha, he was surrounded by Vulcans. He was strangely okay with that. For the most part they’d hurt him far less than humans had.

“Sa-mekh!” Varen yelled, running to Spock’s side. Spock was sitting up in his raised hospital bed now and Bones was on the other side of it, running a tricorder over Spock. “Hello, Dr. McCoy.”

“Hello, kid.”

Varen was now trying to bury himself in Spock’s arms, which, really, Jim couldn’t blame him. He wanted to do the same thing. But he’d let the boy have his time.

“He’s doing well, all things considered,” Bones announced. “Once we get the leg fitted, we’ll begin therapy for him to learn how to use it.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Spock spoke from his bed.

“You hungry, babe?”

Spock nodded. “A little, yes.”

“I’ll bring you something. And some tea for everyone.” Jim moved away letting T’Pau and Varen capture Spock’s attention. He walked with Bones to the hospital door.

"James?" 

He heard the anxiousness in Spock's voice. He could hardly be blamed for his temporary vulnerability.

“I’ll be right back.” He tried to reassure Spock through their bond and finally Spock nodded. 

Out in the corridor, Jim squeezed Bones’ shoulders. “Thank you, my friend. For everything.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Jim. It’s my job.”

“I know. But we both know you go above and beyond. And you-you’re just…” Jim licked his dry lips. “I don’t have many that I can count on, that I can trust completely, but you’re one of them. You’re my best friend, Bones.”

Bones’ eyes softened. “Right back at you.”

Jim laughed. “For the first time ever, I have a family, Bones. And Goddamn it, you’re part of it. I hope you know that. More than my friend, you’re my brother.”

Bones grinned. “You’re getting all mushy.”

Jim flicked his head toward the hospital room. “They bring it out in me.”

“Vulcans?” Bones asked, incredulous.

He was hit by a wave of warmth and affection so intense that for a moment he couldn’t distinguish where it came from. There was Spock for sure. But then, yes, Varen, and T’Pau. He closed his eyes. And pushed his love right back at them.

He’d never thought it was possible to be happy. Not with his life. Not with his pain. But he was. Oh, it was still there. Always would be. But he was not alone and there were those he would always trust. And Jim could say…he had honor.

“Yep. It’s the pointy-ears.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another one done.
> 
> Mirror Universe is not always my thing, but I have to say I enjoyed writing this (if you can call it enjoying) and I have a very, very special place for this very, very tortured Jim. The beginning of Chapter 15 of this fic was probably among the hardest chapter for me to ever write, honestly, but I did get it done.
> 
> I am a big fan of the movie, Ladyhawke, so I admittedly borrowed the idea of the last scene between Jim and Stonn from the ending of that.
> 
> Anyway, I would like to think Jim is happy with his Vulcan family and Bones even in the Mirror Universe.


End file.
